December 31, 2009
WITH "JAMES BOMB" ALTER EGO
Well hello there Audience. We'z having a New Year's Eve/Blue Moon Soiree at Headquarters this evening. The Assembly Line Elves delivered custom-made sparkly invites to select Num-Num Fund supporters. It is a closed and very exclusive function.
Private Eye Von Ice will be "working the door" for us this evening and also "securing the perimeter". The Infamous DJ "T.I.M." will be spinning his proprietary tunes. "The Baby" will be tending the bar, making signature cocktails for our special guests. Pierre Du Port will be head wait staff in charge of the fancy h'or d'oeuvres, such as my renowned catnip brownies.
And I...I will "Circulate. Oozing intelligence".
Later, we will all gaze at the Blue Moon and write down our resolutions for the New Year. Before the stroke of midnite, "The Baby" will teach us all how to pronounce "20-10" correctly. Say it with me now folks..."20-10". And again, one more time..."Twenty-ten"...
Excellent excellent. Theese one has a nice ring to it.
See you in the New Year folks!
December 26, 2009
Cloon: Hello Audience, joining us via webcam is "Sri Guru T.I.M.". Welcome Holy One! Long time no see. Have you been on a mountain top somewhere?
Cloon: "Sri Guru T.I.M." has mouthed a "silent meow".
The Audience is abuzz with astonishment. Cloon pounds his little paw for "order in the court".
Cloon: Thanks for coming forth today with some very important and timely information for the public. Now, before we get into that, did you hit the stores for any Boxing Day specials?
T.I.M: I did indeed. I lined up at sunrise at my favorite pet store for some excellent deals on Num-Nums.
Cloon: Well done! Now on with the subject matter at hand. What exactly is "turkey tummy"?
T.I.M: "Turkey tummy" is when you eats too much turkey and your tummy feels real full.
Cloon: Yes, theese is certainly a common problem at this time of the year. What can be done about this condition?
T.I.M: That's where my top tips for "turkey tummy" come into play.
Cloon: Excellent, excellent. Share with us more, will ya?
T.I.M: Well basically, it's very simple. You stretch out somewhere (see above photo) and don't move.
Cloon: What excellent advice! "Sri Guru T.I.M." is a very wise one! Any other bones you can throw us?
T.I.M: Now listen very closely Audience, this is the most important part. Once you are in "position", you must use your third eye to send some healing energy to your tummy to helps the digestion process. Are you with me so far?
(The Audience is oohing and ahhing...)
Cloon: Silence! Can you be more specific about theese exact process?
T.I.M: I'm afraid not. It's a trade secret and I'm not able to divulge the specifics. However, for "today only" the public may call in to
1-800-TIM-GURU and receive the Boxing Day Special of 50% off my regular "Third Eye" energy healing rates. I also accept payment in Num-Nums.
Cloon: You heard the man! Thank you to Esteemed Feline "Sri Guru T.I.M." for sharing this most timely information with us.
The lines are now open...
December 25, 2009
Hello there felines! Ol' Clooney Claus is very tired (and full) from his extremely busy evening. With the help of my elves, I visited many feline households last night. My sleigh finally pulled in to "Squirrel Sanctuary" in the wee hours of the morn for some much-needed rest, relaxation, squirrel and birdwatching. My last household visit was Von Ice Enterprises. TIM was delivered his secret Clooney Claus wishes of unlimited Num-Nums for the following year, the 24 hour Hockey Central TV Station, and tickets to all this season's Oilers games including a VIP locker room pass. Mr. L received a truck-load of squirrels relocated to his backyard and his secret Clooney Claus wish of a dream date with Pamela Anderson. He will be whisked away by private jet to spend a day with his dream girl in Hollywood. "The Baby" received his secret Clooney Claus wish of a two week all-inclusive trip to a 5 star resort in Cabo San Lucas with unlimited tequila and foot massages. I want to thank all felines for the generous portions of Num-Nums that were left out for Clooney Claus last night. Back on the home front, Pierre Du Port was given the book "Cowboys For Dummies" for all his hard work at Headquarters and received his secret Clooney Claus wish of a walk-on role in a Cowboy and Western movie, to be filmed in the Australian Outback in the spring of 2010. And yours truly received hefty contributions to my Num-Nums fund. Theese one was a good one!
Well felines, have a good one! Remember not to eat tinsel or poinsettias. Of course, don't be shy to ask your Human for an extra portion of Num-Nums today...Ho, ho, ho!!!
December 24, 2009
Now gather around felines, this is Cloon with a little Christmas Eve message and story. This is a special evening as it marks the 3rd Anniversary of the passing of Doogie, my Human's first ever feline. Theese guy was quite something I'm told. It was before my time, but his story is legendary. Doogie was strong-willed, independent and full of soul. He survived a 10 story jump from an apartment window when he was only 8 months old. (Someone was pet sitting him at the time and my Human was not there.) He ended up losing one of his back legs in this incident, but that didn't slow him down. After a few weeks, he learned to walk again with his 3 legs and was still a force to be reckoned with. He had travelled all over the United States and Mexico with my Human and was her main man before I entered the picture. He loved Num-Nums and preferred the Fancy Feast Sliced Turkey Feast, so if he had been at my Num-Nums Taste Test Challenge he would have picked "B" on the ballot. (That's OK, I won't hold it against him - he was "old school".) Doogie loved plants (hence above photo op), bugs, birdies, exploring, looking out windows, gray babe mousies, and most of all he loved my Human. He is now one of my Human's "Guardian Angels" and likes to watch over things.
...Raise a mini glass of cheer to Doogie
and felines continue to be "good girls and boys" this evening as "CLOONEY CLAUS" comes down the chimney tonite. Actually, could you leave the front door unlocked for me, it's a lot easier...and instead of milk and cookies...you know what to do...it's all about the NUM-NUMS...
December 23, 2009
What follows is an interview with FQ (Felines' Quarterly) in attendance at the Pink Nose Society's Winter Carnival Fundraiser.
FQ: My you look quite dashing Cloon. Do you have your own fashion stylist?
Cloon: I certainly do. It's my Human.
FQ: Well, good on you. Now can you tell us a little about your "Pro Bono" Seminar.
Cloon: The title of my seminar is "The Importance of Capitalist Ventures in Feline Society".
FQ: That sounds very intriguing. Tell us more.
Cloon: Theese one contains very important information for the feline segment of society.
FQ: Are you able to be a little more specific?
Cloon: Yes of course. Basically, it is important for felines to be involved in capitalist ventures because we'z very intelligent and needs the intellectual stimulation and also because we'z very independent and likes to be our own bosses. Also, because Num-Nums are very important to us, we has to take it into our own paws, so to speak, and be financially self-sufficient. Therefore, we needs to be entrepreneurs involved in capitalist ventures.
FQ: Excellent insight on your part Cloon. Can you review for us, your experience in these areas?
Cloon: I has my Num-Num Fund and my Blog. I'm CEO of Clooney Credit Canada, an automotive business. I has an Ice Cream Truck and I has also inherited the Mobile Waxing Unit which happens to be part of the same vehicle. I has also inherited a bedazzling business where I "pimp suitcases". I partake in some Mockumentary Filmmaking with Mr. L at Von Ice Enterprises. I has my "Cement Shoes" business. Need I say more?
FQ: No. Stop right there. You're making the rest of us felines look bad. What exactly takes place in these seminars?
Cloon: Well, I evaluate the natural strengths and skills and interests of the felines in attendance through the use of very specialized surveys, then we do some "think tank" brainstorming, and then some role-playing, then I show PowerPoint presentations of my various capitalist ventures, and we generally end the sessions with the Macarena (theese one is a good group activity) and a pep rally.
FQ: Where do you usually present this seminar?
Cloon: Fundraising events like theese one and at feline shelters and humane organizations.
FQ: Thank you for enlightening us with this very important information Cloon. Do you have anything to say in closing?
Cloon: (starting to Samba)..."Come and find me, my name is Macarena...Always at the party con las chicas que son buena...Hey Macarena!...Ay!
December 21, 2009
Cloon: Well the festivities have finally wound down at the Winter Carnival Fundraiser. The last felines have left and the clean-up crew (the Assembly Line Elves on loan from yours truly) is hard at work. How much money were you able to raise today, TIM?
TIM: It was a most excellent day for fundraising and for the "Pink Nose Society". 200 felines were in attendance today for the Carnival. So, I raised a hefty sum of $9800.
Cloon: Wow, are you sure that the rules still exclude me from being the Treasurer?
TIM: Do you have a pink nose?
Cloon: No, it's gray actually.
TIM: Well then, you don't gets to be the Treasurer. But getting back to the matter at hand, "Girlfriend" would have been very proud of today's results and the high calibre of the event.
Cloon: That is for sure. You did her proud! Well congratulations! Now for a few words with Mr. L, today's guest musician... So, please tell the Audience about your special drum.
Mr. L: It's called a djembe and it's from Africa.
Cloon: How did you come to take an interest in theese African drum?
Mr. L: I'm studying to be a film critic in my spare time so I often rent independent films to watch. One such film was called "The Visitor". It is about someone who plays the djembe. I was very taken with both the storyline of the film and the drumming, so when I attended a fair trade Christmas craft fair and saw a djembe from Africa there, I immediately purchased it.
Cloon: Fascinating! Do you practice everyday?
Mr. L: I do indeed. And when I do, "The Baby" always dances around because he likes the drumming.
Cloon: Yes, and "The Baby" got the crowd going today, didn't he? Most of the felines, including myself, were dancing around. We all worked up a really good appetite for the weenie roast. Well, there you have it folks. Remember, you heard it here first...
ANYONE WISHING TO BOOK MR. L & HIS DJEMBE FOR EVENTS OR ANYONE IN NEED OF A FILM CRITIC "IN TRAINING" ARE ASKED TO CONTACT HIS BOOKING AGENT AT 1-800-THE-KING.
December 20, 2009
CLOON AND "THE BABY" EXIT STAGE LEFT DOING THE MOONWALK AND SINGING "YOU KNOW WE'RE B.A.A.D...WE'RE B.A.A.D...YOU KNOW IT"...
December 15, 2009
Hello this is a public service announcement from me TIM, the Secretary and President of the Pink Nose Society. I'z organizing a winter carnival at the venue of Von Ice Enterprises (cuz we has a big backyard for festivities) for the most prestigious club around...the one and only "Pink Nose Society". And I'z the one and only "pink nose" that is a member of this club. Therefore, it is very exclusive. I am currently recruiting volunteers to help me with this special event. (Please submit a curriculum vitae highlighting proper credentials and relevant skills and experience.) The Winter Carnival is being held in the memory of "Girlfriend" past President of the PNS. All proceeds will go to the Pink Nose Society Birdwatching Fund. (I hopes to take another birdwatching trip in the upcoming spring.) Now for the details of the Winter Carnival...listen closely felines. This event is taking place on the Winter Solstice of Monday, December 21, 2009. It will begin sharply at 10:47 AM the exact time of the solstice. Felines please ensure that you form an orderly queue half an hour before the Festival begins. Entrance fee to the event is $49.
The itinerary is as follows: 10:17 AM - Orderly queue forms
10:30 AM - Entrance to event and ice breaker games
10:45 AM - All felines are served a hot toddy to toast in the Solstice
10:47 AM - Winter Solstice 2009 Toast and Cheers
11:00 AM - Special Guest Musician
11:30 AM - Snow Angels, Snowman Building Contest, Birdwatching
12:00 PM - Live JumboTron presentation of the 5th Annual Cat Toy
12:30 PM - Weenie and Marshmallow Roast
1:00 PM - Pro Bono Seminar by Cloon
2:00 PM - Moonwalk lessons by TIM
2:30 PM - Backyard Sleigh Rides (courtesy of Mr. L)
3:00 PM - Picture with Santa (also courtesy of Mr. L)
3:30 PM - Snack (Cloon's famous catnip brownies)
3:45 PM - Elvis Voice Coaching Lessons (courtesy of "The Baby")
4:00 PM - Event Wrap-up and Evaluation Survey
Felines avoid disappointment...purchase tickets early... this will be a sell-out event.
Call 1-800-PNK-NOSE...Lines are now open...
December 14, 2009
The search party at Von Ice Enterprises has finally turned up one of the "Love Babies". Earlier today, Nanny Miss Stormy's house arrest officially came to an end and she resumed her regular "nannying" duties. Volunteers and members of "Concerned Friends of Cat Toys" have halted their search efforts due to time constraints and lack of success of locating the other two cat toys. One of the members of that organization was quoted as saying, "It's one of those great mysteries of life akin to the missing dryer sock." "Concerned Friends of Cat Toys" will be conducting random visits to Von Ice Enterprises to monitor Miss Stormy's "nannying" practices and to ensure the well-being of the remaining "Love Baby"- "Chip Off The Old Baby".
MEMBERS OF THE FELINE & CANINE PUBLIC ARE INVITED TO TAKE PART IN THE 5TH ANNUAL CAT TOY AWARENESS MARCH BEING HELD DECEMBER 21, 2009.
CALL 1-800-CAT-TOYS FOR FURTHER DETAILS...
December 11, 2009
December 8, 2009
No sooner did the limo drop Private Eye and "'The Baby" back at Von Ice Enterprises did another call come in from Cloon at Headquarters...
Cloon: Hello Private Eye. I urgently require your services. But first things first, how was your trip?
Private Eye: It was simply marvelous. We were treated like celebrities. "The Baby" being a bit of a connoisseur said that the champagne we were served in the limo was top notch. We did get into a bit of trouble on the way there when "The Baby" lifted his blindfold and tried to peek at the exact location of the "Squirrel Sanctuary" which, of course, is secret. When we arrived I was able to assist the Sanctuary staff in the daily squirrel feeding of peanuts. This was very exciting! I then had to go back inside and observe the squirrels in their natural habitat from some very excellent windows. There were many sightings. "The Baby" carefully monitored me for hyperventilation, but I made it through. It was like being in "squirrel heaven". I bought myself a squirrel nutcracker from the gift shop as a souvenir. The BBQ steak bone I was given for the trip back was also most excellent. All in all, I would definitely recommend this trip to all canines out there.
Cloon: Well now that all the pleasantries are out of the way, let's get down to business, shall we? I'm sending my driver for you. My Secret Laboratory Findings on Num-Nums have been stolen from the vault at Headquarters. I need you to secure the perimeter and do some sniffing around. Come prepared for long days and nights of investigation. Theese one is a serious matter. With your nose, I expect the culprit to be found.
Private Eye: At your service Cloon. I'll get to the bottom of this...
PRIVATE EYE GATHERS HIS EQUIPMENT AND ANY DISGUISES HE MAY NEED AND AWAITS PICK-UP...
December 2, 2009
Bonjour Mes Amis! I'm on location in Montreal on Ste-Catherine Street to catch a glimpse of my favorite football team as they make their way down the parade route. C'est formidable! I brought my favorite football book with me for Quarterback Anthony Calvillo to autograph. How about that win, eh? 28-27! I was very sad on Sunday night with my team behind, when all of a sudden...Cloon starts to samba and points to the TV screen. I could not believe it! I got up and started to stamp my feet and dance around. I took the red eye last night to Montreal to celebrate. After the parade and hopefully touching the Grey Cup, I will head out to my favorite poutine hot spot. After that...PARTAY!!
"I gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night...That tonight's gonna be a good good night... Let's paint the town ORANGE...We'll shut it down..."
November 28, 2009
The National Feline Enquirer has paid for a story from an undisclosed feline reporting that Miss Stormy has indeed suffered some consequences for her frank disclosure of her "nannying" practices at the Num-Nums Taste Test Challenge. The informant has stated that "Concerned Friends of Cat Toys" - a cat toy activist group concerned for cat toy rights - is on the scene at Von Ice Enterprises combing every square inch of the place for the whereabouts of "Love Babies": Pinkie, Limon and Chip Off The Old Baby. The search party says that it could have used the "nose" of Private Eye Von Ice to aid in the search, however, he is away on an all expense paid trip to "Squirrel Sanctuary" so is currently unavailable.
When questioned about her current state of affairs, Miss Stormy was quoted as saying, "I rather enjoy the feeling of security of my new "house" and the Zen quality of solitary confinement. Let me know when you find the little buggers, will ya? Then I can gets more entertainment and bat them back under the couch."
ANY FELINES WISHING TO VOLUNTEER WITH THE SEARCH PARTY ARE ASKED TO CALL 1-800-CAT-TOYS
November 27, 2009
Hello Canines...I've got a live one for ya... Dreaming of the time again when squirrels will frequent your backyard? Don't wait till Spring...Call in now for the chance to win "two free tickets to Squirrel Sanctuary"...That's right Canines...You heard me correctly...Be the 500th caller in this morning, when the lines open, and win a free trip for two to the secret Squirrel Sanctuary located in Northern Alberta. Trip includes private limo service with champagne and an open sunroof for wildlife viewing along the way. Of course, you and your lucky guest will be blindfolded once we reach the vicinity of Squirrel Sanctuary as its location is secret. Once there, you will be treated to an unobstructed view of squirrels in their natural habitat and will be able to tour a museum of squirrel paraphernalia. There will be a steak BBQ where you will be presented with a good steak bone for your limo ride back home. Do not delay any further, Canines. Lines are now open...
"Well a big congratulations to you, you are our 500th caller! And what is your name?"
Private Eye starts to hyperventilate with excitement. ("The Baby" brings him a paper bag to breathe into before he begins to see stars.) He collects himself just in time to respond to the radio announcer:
"I'm Private Eye Malhaven Von Ice."
Radio Announcer: Well, you're one lucky Canine! We'll be sending the limo around for you shortly. This trip is one of those last minute dealies, so be waiting curbside with your guest and the driver will be there within the hour. Remember to pack lightly, bring a camera and stay on the line to give us your exact location for pick-up.
PRIVATE EYE AND "THE BABY" PACK UP THEIR BELONGINGS, GO OUT TO THE CURB AND ARE WHISKED AWAY BY PRIVATE LIMO TO THE SECRET "SQUIRREL SANCTUARY"... AFTER THEY PULL AWAY FROM VON ICE ENTERPRISES, A FRANTIC CALL FROM CLOON COMES IN...BUT ALAS, IT IS TOO LATE. PRIVATE EYE HAS ALREADY LEFT THE CITY.
...THE SAGA CONTINUES...
November 25, 2009
November 24, 2009
I'z Cloon's cousin from Old Country. I'z gets call from Cloon real late in night. Sayz takes airplanz to Canada to participatz in Num-Nums Taste Test Challenges. Cloon (blesses heez little heart) says I'z can takes some of left-over Num-Nums from Challenge backs to Old Country with me. I'z very excitable for good opportunities like theese one. I'z not let Cloon down. I'z makes, how you call it, "correct choices on ballot"...
Cloonski: Hello! You makz me so proudz my little boyz...greetingz me in my mother tongue...
Cloon: It's the miracle of the interwebs...I'z been studying many languages...You know cousin, you bear quite a striking resemblance to me. If I didn't already have a twin in the land down under, you might have qualified. Uh, sorry about that!
Cloonski: I'z, how you call it, "flattering and honored"... to looks like you...
Cloon: How was your flight? Any jet lag? Uh...you needs to be in a good frame of mind for the Taste Test. Are you ready to proceed?
Cloonski: No problemz...I hadz my flask of "potato water" with me on airplanz and I feelz like, how you call it, "a million buckz". But, I do haz to use the "premises" before we getz started...
Cloon: That will be a toon please...
Cloonski: Will you takz "zloty"? I'z did not exchangez my money yet...
Cloon: Let's make the proper conversion, shall we? On xe.com it says that you owes me 5.2 zloty.
Cloonski: No problemz...
CLOON TAKES THE "ZLOTY" TO THE VAULT WHILE CLOONSKI CONDUCTS HIS "BUSINESS"...FINALLY CLOONSKI EMERGES AGAIN...FOR THE TASTE TEST
Cloon: Now cousin, please proceed to taste both samples of Num-Nums. I encourage you to take your time, slowly savoring each one on your palate. When you are ready, I need you to put a paw print on the ballot next to either "A"or "B", whichever Num-Nums you liked better. Pierre Du Port is coming around with an ink pad as we speak.
AGAIN HEADQUARTERS IS FILLED WITH SUSPENSE AND THERE IS A DRUM ROLL...
Cloon: It is official. "Cloonski Ogorki" has chosen Num-Nums "A".TUNE IN FOR THE OFFICIAL RESULTS OF THE NUM-NUMS TASTE TEST CHALLENGE AND CLOON'S PRESS CONFERENCE...
November 23, 2009
Felines from around the world camped outside the Headquarters of Clooney Credit Canada for a chance to participate in the history-making event of the Num-Nums Taste Test Challenge.
What follows is a interview clip with Miss Stormy Weathers-Nanny of the Love Babies:
Cloon: Thank you for your participaction in the Num-Nums Taste Test. It must be a well-deserved little break for you...I hear "nannying" is a tough gig...
Miss S: Affirmative. However, right now all of the Love Babies are underneath a couch somewhere...I've lost track of them, I must admit...
Cloon: Uh, is that even allowed? I mean aren't there any regulatory bodies involved in theese "nannying"?
Miss S: Well, I won't tell anyone if you don't...(Miss Stormy starts doing the infamous laugh of "Girlfriend" HeHeHeHe...HeHeHeHe...)
Cloon: You're my kind of woman! Do you wants to go out on a date?
Miss S: Uh, no actually. Being a bachelor at your age can only spell trouble...Besides I prefer Maine Coons.
Cloon: Trust me, he's not interested...
Miss S: We'll see about that...
Cloon: Let's get on with the Taste Test, shall we? Now, Miss Stormy I need you to put a paw print on the ballot next to either "A"or "B", whichever Num-Nums you liked better. Pierre Du Port is coming around with an ink pad as we speak.
The anticipation and suspense is wreaking havoc on the Audience of felines in attendance....Cloon pounds his little paw for "Order in the Court".
Cloon: It is official. Miss Stormy has chosen Num-Nums "A".
Tune in this week Audience as we continue to reveal the findings...
November 15, 2009
CLOON MAKES IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY...**
Well hello there Audience. I'z been in my secret research laboratory day and night analyzing the above specimens (see photo). It came to my attention, during "Girlfriend's" illness, that a very important piece of information had been withheld from me by my Human. Apparently, there was an "original" Num-Nums that I had never been exposed to nor fed. Theese one is called "Fancy Feast Sliced Turkey Feast". It came out of the woodwork when my Human was trying to get "Girlfriend" to eat a little something and apparently it's a favorite of many felines worldwide. In fact, most will eat theese one when they refuse to eat anything else. Of course, I took an immediate liking to it and tried to eat all of "Girlfriend's" portions as well. I even boycotted my original Num-Nums when theese new one disappeared from Headquarters after "Girlfriend" went to kitty heaven. That's right...you heard me correctly folks. Imagine that...me boycotting me own Num-Nums that I love so much. So, an interesting phenomenon took place recently when my Human returned with a couple cans of the "stuff". I tooks it into my research laboratory and instantly began performing a scientific analysis of it, comparing it to my normal (healthy) Num-Nums. I'z been charting the statistical results, graphing them and applying algorithms and I'z come up with some very significant classified information. I'z going to be holding a press conference at the end of this week and revealing to the world my secret findings.
In the meantime, gather around felines...this is very important...I will be holding a week-long blind taste test and Num-Num's taste challenge this week at Headquarters. Felines can contact Pierre Du Port (Acting Secretary of Clooney Credit Canada) and TIM (Pink Nose Society Secretary & Acting President) to book a time slot for this challenge at Headquarters. Now felines, come on out and participate...theese one is a very important event...you will be part of making history...In closing, I say:
"WILL THE "REAL" NUM-NUMS PLEASE STEP FORWARD"...
November 14, 2009
October 30, 2009
October 28, 2009
October 14, 2009
September 20, 2009
Hello, hello, hello everyone...How's the Audience today? I just wanted to report that Pierre and I have been planning our strategy to take the East by storm with the sales of Clooneymobiles. Pierre is quite the little trooper, he "dials for dollars" without any complaints and only takes the occasional break for poutine. ("Girlfriend" has been busy perfecting the art of poutine and Pierre has given her some good reviews.) The first thing Pierre did when he got off the plane in the land of the "Cowboys" was purchase himself a cowboy hat (see above photo). He takes this very seriously. I, on the other hand, was happy to add my miniature jar of authentic Quebec maple syrup to my collection of miniature jams. Theese one is a good one! Well, I'm off to mentor "Pierre Du Port" in the world of business in exchange for some French lessons.
AU REVOIR MES PETITS AMIS...
September 18, 2009
STICK WITH ME...TOGETHER OUR FUTURE IS REAL BRIGHT...
(THAT'S WHY I HAS THEESE SUNGLASSES ON)...
On theese special day I would like to acknowledge my Human, who also happens to be my Personal Assistant. I has written her a love letter as follows because I am quite sweet on her and I has developed quite a big attachment to her:
Dear My Human,
Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we?...I appreciates that you founds me on the interwebs and travelled quite a ways to adopts me...I was sweet on ya from first sight as I gave you googly eyes and purred as you held me on your lap on the car ride back...I liked my new home instantly, it was filled with toys, hiding places, good windows for birdies and most importantly "NUM-NUMS"...Right off the bat, I was treated as a celebrity with little hats, outfits, and photo-shoots...I gots kinda nervous the first time you wents on a trip and left me for a couple weeks... buts when you came back I tried out some new techniques for getting your attention in the wee hours of the morn, such as biting your nose and pulling your hair in order to get my Num-Nums (theese was a good strategic move)...I also experimented with moving paintings around on the walls, for your attention (I know you admires my cleverness and creativity)...You then did lots of work to help me develops my Clooneymobile Business and Num-Num Fund...Uh, thanks for that!... In closing, I would likes to express my appreciations for: your tummy massages, letting me rule the roost, keeping the inventory level of Num-Nums up, and most of all...your cuddles and luv...
Luv Your Main Man,
RAISE A MINI-MUG OF ALE TO MY HUMAN...AND GET YOUR JAZZ HANDS GOIN', WILL YA...
September 13, 2009
Cloon: Thanks for giving me the exclusive, Pierre!
Pierre: Bonjour! My pleasure. Now, where is those "Cowboys"?
Pierre: Oui. Ou est les "Cowboys"? You promised me "Cowboys"!
Cloon: Oh. "The Baby" told me you have this idea about the West and likes Cowboys...So I used that to gets the exclusive. Uh, sorry about that! We has Cowboys back in Alberta, but we don't gots none here in the hotel room...
Pierre: Pas de probleme! I go back with you to see "Cowboys". When does the airplane go?
Cloon: Hmm... (Wheels turning...) Well perhaps we can works something out...As I mentioned Quebec is an uncharted territory for Clooneymobiles...Uh maybe you can live at Headquarters for un petit while and works the territory for me...speaking French and all...
Pierre: Do you has Poutine at Headquarters? I eat it every day...
Cloon: I'll get "Girlfriend" on that pronto!
Pierre: C'est formidable!
Cloon: Now, before we go please tell the Audience how you ended up in the canal anyway...
Pierre: My Canine was playing with me in the dog park alongside the canal. He got distracted for un moment and dropped me. A strange Canine approached me...he picked me up and ran tres rapide! He jumped into the canal and swam with me in his mouth! Then, his Human called him and said "Drop it!" I was left floating in the canal...enjoying the sun...I fell asleep...it was very relaxing...then I awoke to helicopter noise and to Private Eye rescuing me from the water... Merci beaucoup to Private Eye Von Ice for the rescue!
Cloon: Well that's quite a story little buddy... Now before we leaves Montreal I needs to get a miniature jar of maple syrup...Can you acts as my tour guide and helps me out?
Pierre: Bien sur!
CLOON AND "PIERRE DU PORT" HEAD OUT TO OLD MONTREAL ON THE QUEST FOR A MINIATURE JAR OF MAPLE SYRUP FOR CLOON'S COLLECTION...
September 9, 2009
September 5, 2009
Cloon was alerted by his security division that Headquarters was being watched...
What follows is a conversation between Cloon and an expert in surveillance and security...
Cloon: Yes, hello. It is imperative that I get some advice from you ASAP...
Private Eye Von Ice: Roger that. What seems to be the problem?
Cloon: Our security has detected a feline spy across the way...
Private Eye: This sounds exciting! Tell me more...
Cloon: Well, one day a feline looking suspiciously similar to "Girlfriend" was caught on security camera staring out the window across the way and spying on our Headquarters...
Private Eye: This is juicy! Go on!...
Cloon: I want to know what measures need to be taken, so I decided to consult with the expert in this area...AKA you the Private Eye.
Private Eye: Thanks for thinking of me, my security work has been a little bit sporadic lately. I've mainly been involved in Elvis impersonation rehearsals with "The Baby". Now, there are some important questions I must ask you. For starters, are there any squirrels involved in this scenario?
Cloon. No, not that I've detected. There's an occasional rabbit, though.
Private Eye: Now, that's what I like to hear... Next question...Do you believe that this feline spy is a clone of "Girlfriend"?
Cloon: Well, that's what we're concerned about...Especially "Girlfriend"... You know how she is... She has been quoted as saying, "Oh, dear...There is someone who looks like me staring back at me. I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with this situation"...
Private Eye: Affirmative. This is indeed alarming. Now when have you last spotted the rabbit?
Cloon: Well, what does that have to do with anything? Focus, Private Eye, focus...I need your utmost attention on the real matter at hand.
Private Eye: Uh, yes, roger that. I will need to attend to this matter by inspecting the situation firsthand and securing the premises. Please send your Driver to pick me up. I shall have my disguise and various spy tools ready. Do not fear Cloon. I will get to the bottom of this...And, by the way, please have one of them good T-bone steak bones ready...I know you got them...
Cloon: Will do, Private Eye. Will do.
TO BE CONTINUED...
September 4, 2009
"Girlfriend": Well hello there, my pink-nosed friend!
TIM: Where's the num-nums? I was promised num-nums...
"Girlfriend": Oh, dear... Well, let's conduct this interview first, shall we...That's a nice hat you have there!
TIM: It's my official bird-watching hat. Except for, they got my name wrong...It ain't Stanley...
"Girlfriend": Oh, dear...We'll have to get that attended to. Now, can you please share with the Audience your favorite part of the bird-watching trip?
TIM: Yes. It was the Homing Pigeon Release. You see, my Birthday was missed on the Blog this year and even though I do have "tough fur", my feelings was hurt. So, my Belated Birthday was acknowledged by having homing pigeons released in my honour. Now, this experience was "unforgettable" and I was deeply touched.
"Girlfriend": Wow. That is quite something! We do apologize profusely for forgetting your Birthday here on the Blog. You know we "loves you like our own". And Cloon passes on a "Uh, sorry about that" to you. Now, did you make the bird noises or perform the "silent meow" when the pigeons were released?
TIM: It was so exciting that I did make the bird noises, I must admit.
"Girlfriend": Excellent. What else did you like about the trip?
TIM: I liked the songbird hike and seeing the rare birds and the parrots had very nice colors as well.
"Girlfriend": Now you did present the World Bird Sanctuary with a charitable donation from our "Pink Nose Society", can you tell the Audience about this?
TIM: Yes. I am very proud to say that I presented them with a cheque for $100.
"Girlfriend": You also have some other very exciting news for the Audience, am I correct?
TIM: Yes. I have submitted my application for the Internship Program at the World Bird Sanctuary and am currently waiting to see if I will be accepted.
"Girlfriend": Wow, that is indeed exciting! What kind of duties must you perform if you get accepted as an intern?
TIM: Well it is quite extensive. I will be involved in bird rehabilitation, field identification of birds & documentation of behaviors, public education, interacting with visitors and I must be capable of rigorous outdoor work in all types of weather conditions.
"Girlfriend": That is quite an involved undertaking. Good luck to you and please keep us updated regarding your internship status.
TIM: I will. I must admit I'z quite excited. I check the mailbox on a daily basis.
"Girlfriend": Well Audience that's a wrap. A thank you again to "Feline Vogue" for donating the miniature binoculars to us for the trip.
TIM HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN FOR NUM-NUMS...
August 23, 2009
Hello Everyone. I'z taken it upon myself to form my own Club. I,of course, am the Treasurer. Theese "Club" is a good one. It is only for those who are "Born Awesome And Daring". I, of course, fits into theese category and fits both criterias. I'z awesome because I'z the Cloon. (If you needs a reminder of all that this entails, please re-read the Blog.) Now as for the daring part...well I'z really got flair in theese department. I am constantly terrorizing my Human by performing daring stunts, especially in theese new diggs. I walks on skinny, high railings. I jumps at walls and sticks to them likes a suction-cup Garfield, I bites noses, I bites "Girlfriend", I race around corners at a very high speed etc. etc...
Now felines, canines, inanimate objects and other creatures gather around and listen real closely...To gets into my Club, not only do you has to be awesome and daring, you has to get someone to nominates you for the Club. I needs a personal essay from theese someone with proof that you are awesome and daring. Below is an example of a good nomination letter written to me:
I would like to nominate "The Baby" as a member of your Club. He's awesome because he's orange, has little horns, is a great invention, has flair like you, and can impersonate Elvis. He's daring because he sails through the air as fast as the Human hand can throw him, he withstands temperatures of -40 below for days at a time, he gets buried in deep snow and never complains, he dances on the bar in front of crowds, he runs with motorcycle gangs etc. etc...Please accept this nomination and he says he would like to be President of the Club as well.
Yours very truly,
So there you have it folks. My first successful nominee. "The Baby" shall be President. Our first order of affairs will be to do some fundraising in order to raise money for "The Baby's" plastic surgery. He's been looking kind of rough theese days and in order to represent our Club in the media, he will at the very least have to have a chemical facial peel.
If you wish to contribute to this, please feel free to donate using the above button on the left hand side of the Blog.
CLOON EXITS STAGE LEFT DOING THE MOONWALK AND SINGING "YOU KNOW I'M B.A.A.D., I'M B.A.A.D.-YOU KNOW IT"...
August 12, 2009
EAVESDROPPING 101: A SEMINAR BY "GIRLFRIEND"...50 FELINES ATTENDED A SOLD OUT WEEKEND WORKSHOP ON "EAVESDROPPING ON YOUR HUMAN". They crowded into the new bedroom of "Girlfriend" (still not venturing far in the residential move). What follows is a brief media clip of the event:
"Girlfriend": Does everyone have their Starbucks Beverage? Ok then, let's get started, we have alot of material to cover this afternoon.
1) First of all, I need everyone to assume the correct eavesdropping position (see above photo for details). Ears back and out...Cloon (My helper today) will be making his rounds through the Audience checking for proper technique.
2) Next and this is a VERY IMPORTANT POINT...Whenever you hear your Human's voice in a conversation, stop what you are doing immediately and go sit as close to your Human as possible. Even if you are "under blankie" it is imperative that you come out of hiding and take a position near your Human.
3) When Humans are on the telephone speaking with another, this is an excellent time to get good information. Felines can either go right up to their Human and nestle in or take more of a clandestine position in the same room.
4) When your Human has company over this is another opportune time to get good information. Go and sit between your Human and their guest and put your ears into the correct eavesdropping position.
5) Store all juicy information you eavesdrop on in your memory banks and burn it in real good. You never know when the information will come in handy.
Testimonial from a previous feline attendee: "I observed my Human on the telephone in his office, so I jumped on the desk and laid by the keyboard with my ears in the proper eavesdropping position...That's when I heard the words, 'I'm going to take him to the vet because he is still squinting with his eye.' So, I then used the power of my Third Eye to heal my eye and avoid the vet visit. In my case, this information was priceless. So, I definitely recommend "Girlfriend's" seminar. And it's a good excuse to gets a free Frappuccino as well...
FELINES FOR JUST $149 YOU CAN ATTEND A FUTURE SEMINAR OF "GIRLFRIEND'S". "EAVESDROPPING ON YOUR HUMAN" INCLUDES YOUR FAVORITE STARBUCKS BEVERAGE AND SELLS OUT WELL IN ADVANCE, SO BE FOREWARNED...
August 9, 2009
August 7, 2009
August 6, 2009
July 21, 2009
What follows is a Messenger conversation intercepted by the Interwebs Security Division of Clooney Credit Canada (AKA Cloon)...
Hummingbird ("Girlfriend's Messenger Handle): Oh, dear...I'm rather inexperienced at this...
Seagull (Handle of Mysterious Feline): Don't worry Kitten, I'll take you under my paw...
Hummingbird: Well, on your profile, you said you really liked birdies... Is this true?
Seagull: Absolutely! I likes to sit real still likes a statue and observes them...
Hummingbird: Wow, I've never given that a try... Do you make that "special noise" when you observe them?
Seagull: Well, when I'm in statue position, I only does the "silent meows"...But if I'm just doing a regular observation, I makes the "special noise"...
Hummingbird: Wow, that's fascinating! Do you have lots of windows to observe birdies from?
Seagull: I do in fact. It's a bird-lover's paradise over here... So, what are you wearing right now?
Hummingbird: Oh, dear, I'm not entirely comfortable with that question... Well, my fur coat, I guess...
Seagull: I live for num-nums. Do you have num-nums at your house?
Hummingbird: Yes, we do but I prefer the tuna. If my Human uses a can-opener on anything and I hear that air escaping the can, I come out of hiding...
Seagull: I gots an allergy to tuna. Do you have any kibbles in your bowl right now?
Hummingbird: Yes, I do. We have "free feed" over here at my house.
Seagull: Really? Is that a fact?... I thinks you may be my
soul-mate...When can I move in?
Hummingbird: Oh, dear...we just met...I think we're moving too fast...
Seagull: Come on kitten, live a little, will ya? All we have is today...
Hummingbird: Well, can you send me a better picture of yourself first, that one is a little dark...
Seagull: That's what you get from canine photographers...they'z not very skilled at using the right settings...Ok, I'll see what I can do here...Bye for now, my little Kitten...
Hummingbird: Bye Seagull...
July 17, 2009
July 15, 2009
July 13, 2009
Feline Vogue magazine visited the Headquarters of Clooney Credit Canada to photograph "Girlfriend" - President of the Pink Nose Society...
FV: We applaud your efforts for saving the world "one pink nose at a time"...
"Girlfriend": Well thank you very much.
FV: How are your fundraising efforts going?
"Girlfriend": Very well. We surpassed our expectations with Phase 1 of our Fundraising with the Canada Day Dunk Tank Fundraiser.
FV: Can you tell us more about this?
"Girlfriend": Of course. The public admired the bravery of our little feline fan club member who volunteered to be dunked in the tank to raise money for our charity. There was an overwhelming response as felines, canines, and humans alike doled out the cashola to try to dunk this little one. Now alot of theese ones did not have good aim but our little volunteer did see a bit of "water action" when a family of bulldogs came on the scene.
FV: If I may ask, how much money did this event raise for the Pink Nose Society?
"Girlfriend": Well, usually I'm quite secretive about "funds" but this is all for a good cause... We raised $1000.
FV: What do you plan to do with this money?
"Girlfriend": Tim (the Secretary of the Society) and I plan on travelling to "The World Bird Sanctuary" in The United States of America where we will see rare birds and go on a bird-watching hike to identify songbirds. We will also make a charitable donation to this Sanctuary.
FV: That is very philanthropic of you.
"Girlfriend": Well that is part of the mission statement of our Society, to be involved in the conservation of birdies.
FV: Thank you for allowing us into Headquarters for this interview and photo shoot. Cloon was trying to sweet talk us into letting him into the magazine as well, but we only photograph girls. Good luck with your work with the Pink Nose Society. We will be donating 2 pairs of miniature binoculars to you for your bird-watching trip.
"Girlfriend": Wow, that is fantastic! Thanks for your publicity of our most important Society.
ANY MEMBER OF THE PUBLIC WISHING TO DONATE TO THE PINK NOSE SOCIETY PLEASE EMAIL THE PINK NOSE SOCIETY C/O email@example.com
July 11, 2009
July 8, 2009
FOR MS. TORTOROVSKY'S NEW ART EXHIBIT
Hello my fine little art enthusiasts! Since I am still on my campaign to get a Budgie, I decided to take a night job guarding the Buddha giclee, Ms. Tortorovsky's newest work of art. I need to get serious about saving my money for a Budgie cage, theese ones are expensive. I've eyed a few nice models which give Budgies lots of room to play and move around. I rather enjoy theese new position of authority. Ready, everyone for...
CLOON'S TOP 5 REASONS TO WORK THE NIGHT SHIFT:
5) I'Z NOCTURNAL SO I MIGHT AS WELL GET PAID FOR IT
4) I MULTITASK SO I GUARDS THE EXHIBIT AND WATCH MY HUMAN SLEEP AT THE SAME TIME
3) I WORKS BY MYSELF AND DON'T HAS TO SUPERVISE ELVES
2) I LIKES TO STARE AT THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT
AND CLOON'S TOP REASON IS...
1) I GETS A PAID NUM-NUMS BREAK AT 3 AM