April 29, 2009
"GIRLFRIEND" TAKE BREAK FROM BUSY PHONE LINES. PHONES ARE RINGING OFF THE HOOK FOR THE NEW
We've had an overwhelming response for "Pimped" Suitcases. "Girlfriend" is very busy with "The Bedazzler" and I have been installing "mags" around the clock. We are already booked up till June.
Felines with hairy paws are starting to come out of the closet and inquiries have begun to trickle in. Again felines, now is the time to take action to prepare for summer social activities and take advantage of our most excellent specials. If phone lines are busy, do not dismay. Just hit redial until you get through. "Girlfriend" has her headset on and is standing by to take your calls...
April 28, 2009
TOO SHY TO GO OUTSIDE, SHOPPING, OR TO THE BEACH?
Cloon: Hello Audience, here I am in-studio with special guest and Feline Esthetician "Girlfriend". Welcome "Girlfriend".
"Girlfriend": Thank you very much.
"Cloon": Now, tell me about this surprising fact that many cats suffer from hairy paws...
"Girlfriend": Well Cloon, most felines are quite secretive about this because of the humiliation factor. But I'm here today to tell them that it's okay to come out of the closet and seek help.
Cloon: What are the actual statistics for theese one?
"Girlfriend": A shocking 30% of felines suffer from hairy paws. And Maine Coons are over-represented in that category.
Cloon: We have a film clip to show the Audience. Please cue the presentation. (The Assembly Line Elves start up the projector.) Rolling... For those at home, please see second photograph above.
Well Audience, there you have it. There's the proof. Now "Girlfriend" is going to give us some more information about "The Mobile Waxing Unit".
"Girlfriend": So Felines there's no need to panic about the situation. My mobile spa, which incidentally doubles as an ice cream truck, will come right to you. You will jump into the back of the truck and be transported to another time and place (metaphorically speaking of course, we're not kidnapping you or anything). My theme for my mobile spa is Zen Gardens. In this healing space, special recordings of chirping birds play in the background. There are many plants and a DVD plays "Mousies" on a big screen TV. I start each session by a Zen Meditation, deep breathing exercises and of course some of the highest grade premium organic catnip available. I use only the finest French waxing strips for the hairy paws. After the waxing is complete, you are treated to a complimentary ice cream sandwich (Cloon has an overstock from Costco). Remember Cloon likes to multitask, so he will be selling various ice creams out of the front of the truck. I think drumsticks and popsicles are also available. Now remember, the Spring Special is $19.95 (includes all 4 paws and the ice cream sandwich). We will be taking before and after photos for the purpose of advertising. (All Felines will be asked to sign an agreement for disclosure.)
SO FELINES, NOW IS THE TIME TO RECLAIM YOUR SOCIAL LIFE. DO NOT LET HAIRY PAWS HOLD YOU BACK ANY LONGER. CALL 1-800-WAX-JOBS TO SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT OR COME OUT TO THE CURB WHEN YOU HEAR AN ICE CREAM TRUCK PLAYING THE "MACARENA" IN YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD...
April 26, 2009
April 20, 2009
"YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A HOUND DOG"...
ELVIS IMPERSON-ATION REHEARSALS BEGIN AT VON ICE ENTERPRISES
Joining Cloon via webcam is Mr. L and "The Baby"
Cloon: That's quite the fancy guitar you have there!
"The Baby": Thank you. Thank you very much...
Cloon: You're sounding more like Elvis each time we speak. Impressive.
Mr. L: Yes, I'm very proud of my little BFF!
Cloon: So, how are the rehearsals going?
Mr. L: Well, it's a very busy time for us as "Squirrel Patrol" season has officially opened. But, as soon as we are done with a "sighting" we come back inside and start practising.
Cloon: So, "The Baby" plays the guitar and then the both of you are on vocals?
Mr. L: Affirmative.
Cloon: Do you have special Elvis moves as well?
Mr. L: Aah, yes we do Cloon. Yes we do.
Cloon: Could you perform just a few? I'd like to send a clip to my cousin in Old Country.
"The Baby": We regret to inform you that, that's classified information.
Cloon: Well perhaps, you can send her a ticket to a future performance of yours.
Mr. L: Will do, Cloon. Will do.
"The Baby": If you excuse us now Cloon, we're on a tight rehearsal schedule...
Cloon: Knock yourselves out!
"The Baby": 1..2..1...2...3...4... WELL, YOU AIN'T NEVER CAUGHT A RABBIT...
April 17, 2009
I GOT A NEW TOY BUT I BROKED IT...
So, I goes shopping to this amazing pet store while I was away on my holidays. Theese store is a real good one. It has all kinds of toys, num-nums, natural products for the "irregularities", you name it, they got it. I finds myself this string toy. I happen to be a "string man", I like theese ones the best. Anyway, I sees this bright blue sparkly ball on a string and I gots to have it. This contraption hangs on a doorknob and then felines can go wild batting theese string and ball around. For the first day, I loves my new toy. I was spotted playing with it very late at night and in the wee hours of the morn. My Human was very excited about theese one because she thought it might be the answer to occupying me early in the morning when I get bored waiting for num-nums. However, I likes to chew on things. String, plastic, leather, wood, even metal. I'z got what you calls an "oral fixation". So, I gets to chewing on this string in the wee hours of the morn and low and behold, I chews right through it and the bright blue sparkly ball falls to the floor. Now, theese one is not fun anymore because I broked it. Then the Humans do a repair job on it and ties a knot. It then only takes me a minute or so and voila!... Bright blue sparkly ball falls to floor and theese one is not fun anymore.
So felines, I'z going to give theese toy a review and rating:
1) The name of the toy is "Door Teaser", I choose to give this a neutral rating, the name could be better or could be worse.
2) Attractiveness factor=thumbs up, I likes the bright blue sparkly ball.
3) Concept of the toy=thumbs up, I likes the idea of it and it is entertaining when it is not broken.
4) Craftsmanship, wear and tear etc. etc. =thumbs down, I can breaks this one easy.
Lets me get my calculator and tally up up theese scores...Drumroll please...
The "Door Teaser" string toy=2.5 out of 4 rating.
**So felines, gather 'round and listen closely...If you gets theese one as a toy, "Do not chew the string...I repeat, Do not chew the string"... Then theese one will bring you countless hours of fun and entertainment...
April 16, 2009
April 13, 2009
LOYAL OILERS FAN "TIM" FILES COMPLAINT THAT THE TEAM HAS DEPRIVED HIM OF LOVE AND SUBMITS HIS RESUME FOR POSITION OF HEAD COACH
Cloon: I am reporting live on location from Von Ice Enterprises where resident feline "TIM" has made a shocking allegation that the Oilers Hockey Team has deprived him of love. "TIM" can you shed more light on this issue for the Audience?
"TIM": I have been a very loyal hockey fan for almost 10 years now. When I hear the hockey announcers on TV, I comes out of the woodwork, from the basement, the closet, you name it, it never fails and I heads to the couch for some lovin'. I depend on televised Oilers hockey games to get affection from my Human. When the Oilers don't make it to the playoffs, it deprives me of extra love, attention, and affection. The season is cut short and we are unable to spend that special quality time together in front of the television set watching hockey.
Cloon: That is very sad indeed. And I take it you are very upset with the early exit of the Oilers this season.
"TIM": Yes, that is correct. So much so, that I am taking the future of the Oilers team, their success and hence the extra love I would be able to receive into my own paws, so to speak.
Cloon: Enlighten us, will ya?
"TIM": I have submitted my resume for the position of Oilers Head Coach. And I must admit, I did some name dropping as well.
Cloon: Did you use my name?
"TIM": Exactly, I said I knows "George Clooney".
Cloon: Excellent and what special qualifications did you list on your resume?
"TIM": I stated that: I have very big paws to help the Oilers during practice, I have secret signals like the "silent meow" to help with hockey plays, I have a big physique and tough "fur" so I am not intimidated by the younger players who need guidance and discipline, and most importantly, since my very love and attention depends on their success, I have great morale, stamina, persistence and will stop at nothing to have them make the future playoffs.
Cloon: Well, if it was up to me, you'd be a shoo-in for the position. You could offer the players and management a special deal on the Clooneymobile as well.
"TIM": I knew I could count on you Cloon.
Cloon: Well, we at Clooney Credit Canada will be rooting for you "TIM".
Cloon: Audience, "TIM" has mouthed a silent meow.
**AUDIENCE, I AM CIRCULATING A SPECIAL "PET"-ITION OF SUPPORT THROUGH THE INTERWEBS FOR "TIM" AS NEW HEAD COACH OF THE OILERS. IF IT COMES YOUR WAY, PLEASE SIGN IT IN FAVOR OF "TIM" AND ALLOW HIM THE CHANCE FOR THE LOVE, ATTENTION, AND AFFECTION HE SO RIGHTLY DESERVES. AND THROW HIM A COUPLE KIBBLES WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, WILL YA?
April 11, 2009
EASTER BUNNY VISITS CLOONEY CREDIT CANADA
Happy Easter my Fluffy Little Bunny Rabbits!
How is everyone this fine Easter weekend? The weather was very nice and the birdies were out in full force. Theese one was a good day for Birdie Patrol. Lots of chirpin' goin' on.
So, we at Headquarters gets a special visit from the Easter Bunny. And guess what? The Easter Bunny brings me num-nums! Can you believe it? I was very excited about theese one! The Easter Bunny toured the Assembly Line of the Clooneymobile and had a special Easter Egg Hunt for The Assembly Line Elves. The Elves were unbelievably excited to meet The Easter Bunny in-person. Me and The Easter Bunny swapped autographs and Ms. Tortorovsky treated The Easter Bunny to a complimentary Zen Session given the stress and busyness of this weekend. We ended the afternoon with a dance party sharing various dance moves. The Easter Bunny showed us some bunny hops, I instructed everyone on the Samba and The Elves formed a big conga line with The Easter Bunny, myself and Ms. Tortorovsky. A good time was had by all.
HAPPY EASTER TO ALL MY LOYAL BLOG FOLLOWERS. I HOPE THE EASTER BUNNY IS GOOD TO YOU ALL THIS WEEKEND. TUNE IN THIS UPCOMING WEEK FOR ENTERTAINING STORIES AND UPDATES...
April 8, 2009
IT'S A GREAT DAY AT VON ICE ENTERPRISES
AS MR. L AND "THE BABY" ARE REUNITED...
Finally after a lonely month of separation, "The Dynamic Duo" is re-united. Media is on hand to capture the event. "The Baby" lends resident feline "T.I.M." his special "spy pen" (which he purchased on SkyMall) to take footage of the occasion. Incidentally, "T.I.M." will also be performing the "Moonwalk" as part of today's lineup of festivities. Cloon is being presented with a "Key to the City" for imposing better values on "The Baby" and returning him safely to Mr. L. Below is an excerpt of the media interview that takes place:
Cloon: Mr. L, you are looking quite reflective today. Do you have some thoughts you'd like to share with us all?
Mr. L: This event is cutting into my "Squirrel Patrol".
Cloon: Oh, yes, 'tis the season, isn't it? Well, please humor us for just a little while, then we'll let you get back to business. How is it to have "The Baby" back with you after the prolonged absence?
Mr. L: It's grrrrrrrrreat! I can't wait to take him for a spin in the backyard!
Cloon: So, let's settle this age old question, once and for all, shall we... "Does absence make the heart grow fonder" or is it "out of sight, out of mind"?
Mr. L: (Giving googly eyes to "The Baby" and responding in a deep Elvis voice...) Most definitely, my heart has grown fonder.
(The Audience oohs and ahhs and Cloon pounds his little paw for "order in the court")
Cloon: Now "Baby" what say you about your previous wild ways and your travels? Will you be able to settle down in the domestic life again?
"The Baby": Well, I have lots of good mockumentary footage from "the road", I need to catch up on some R&R, I have missed Mr. L tremendously, and we need to take our karaoke to another level if we're serious about going to Vegas with our Elvis impersonations, so Yes I can be part of the domestic scene for awhile.
Cloon: Well there you have it folks. By the way, "The Baby's" miniature Harley is on display in the living room of Von Ice Enterprises. I will be collecting toons for my "Adopt a Yak from Tibet" fund for anyone viewing the display.
AS MR. L GRABS "THE BABY" HIS FANCY SOUVENIR SOMBRERO FALLS TO THE FLOOR. HE RETURNS ONCE AGAIN TO THE DOG'S MOUTH ...
AND WAIT A MINUTE...LITTLE HORNS ARE EXPOSED...WHAT THE...
TO BE CONTINUED AT A LATER DATE....
April 7, 2009
April 6, 2009
So, I goes to meet "The Baby's" new friend "Bear". Bear is a Biker, a Silversmith, a Western Stunt Entertainer and he also does Leatherwork. He's what you call a multi-talented individual. He has a workshop in downtown Santa Fe. So I says to myself, well if he's a Silversmith perhaps he can fix my Human's turquoise and silver bracelet which I brought with me on my trip just in case I met one of theese Silversmiths. My Human loves her bracelet but it got a crack in it so she couldn't wear it anymore. I knew I could score some major brownie points with her (which could result in extra num-nums) if I could surprise her and have her beloved bracelet fixed. And guess what? Because "Bear" is an expert Silversmith, he was able to repair it. And then to top it all off, he gives "The Baby" his own Harley. Can you believe it? We really struck the motherlode with theese one. "Bear" was very helpful, a good sport and a nice guy. We definitely will visit him again on our next trip through.