Questions From Clooney

If Clooney could talk just for a day, here's what he would ask me
and what he would say:

Cloon: Why am I so awesome?

Cloon's Human: You're on the right track baby, you was born this way...

Cloon: How come I can't get Squirrel TV where we now live?

Cloon's Human: Uh, you need to call up Shaw Technical Support...

 Cloon: Why do the baristas always get my order wrong?

Cloon's Human: Uh, it's quite a complex beverage and they haven't mastered the art of interspecies communication...

 Cloon: How come you haven't sold any Clooneymobiles yet?

Cloon's Human: Uh...*major storyline FAIL*

Cloon: When are you taking me shopping?

Cloon's Human: Uh, did "that" just come off your printing press?

Cloon: Where did you learn to dance?

Cloon's Human: Uh, I'm self-taught...you know...I dance like there's no one watching...except you...

Cloon: Well, I thinks I needs to give you some lessons...sign up for my Saturday Samba classes, will ya?

Thanks to Zoolatry for the Answer Your Cat's Questions Day graphic and the fun event!

(And thanks for all your Gotcha Day wishes!)

CLOON INTERVIEWS "RESIDENT" OF SQUIRREL SANCTUARY

Cloon: Hello there Audience. I have a surprise in store for you all. With me today, is special guest "Princess" from Squirrel Sanctuary. Welcome little one.

Princess: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Cloon: Is that a wee bit of an Elvis accent I detect?

Princess: Well, yes it is in fact...

Cloon: How is that possible?

Princess: Well, I sent away for these "Elvis Voice-Coaching Lessons" I saw on the interwebs.

Cloon: Was someone called "The Baby" involved?

Princess: You know "The Baby"?

Cloon: Well yes I do as a matter of fact, we run in the same circles...

Princess: Do you think you could get me his autograph?

Cloon: I think that could be arranged little one. Now for the business at hand today...I'm going to proceed with a few questions for you and then I'm going to open the phone lines to the general public to call in. So, are you really "squirrely" for peanuts and have you ever tried num-nums?

Princess: Ha ha, good one! You're a funny guy Cloon. No to num-nums as I'm a vegetarian and yes, I do love my peanuts.

Cloon: Does the whole squirrel race really enjoy driving canines "squirrely"?

Princess: We do indeed Cloon, we do indeed...

Cloon: Excellent, most excellent. Do you have any other hobbies you are interested in?

Princess: I enjoy modeling and posing in miniature bridal apparel.

Cloon: Sounds good. Now I'm opening the phone lines... and we have our first caller on the line...Go ahead caller with your questions for our squirrel guest...

Caller (in a high-pitched voice): Hello there, little squirrel. I'm wondering if you'd be interested in buying some "Girl Guide" cookies from me in order to support my local Girl Guide group?

Princess: Yes, I love "Girl Guide" cookies. I'll take a box of vanilla please. Any other questions for me?

Caller: Uh yes. How soon can we meet up and can you come alone?

Princess: Oh dear. I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with this situation...

Caller: (starts to hyperventilate)

Cloon: Mr. L is this you on the line?

Caller: I know...you had me at hyperventilation...Ok, I give up. You can't blame a squirrel-crazy canine for trying can you? Tis the season and all...

Cloon: How are those visas going for my "Australian Zoo in Canada"?

Mr. L: We have hit a bit of a roadblock, I'm afraid...I've got "The Baby" trying to bribe some higher-up Immigration officials.

Cloon: Well keep me posted, will ya? Theese is a most important matter...

Mr. L: Roger that.

Cloon: Thank you to our special little guest today, one of our residents of Squirrel Sanctuary. Anyone interested in booking a tour of the Sanctuary and touring the Squirrel Museum is asked to call 1-800-IAM-NUTS...

PRIVATE EYE VON ICE RETURNS FROM ALL EXPENSE PAID TRIP TO "SQUIRREL SANCTUARY"

No sooner did the limo drop Private Eye and "'The Baby" back at Von Ice Enterprises did another call come in from Cloon at Headquarters...

Cloon: Hello Private Eye. I urgently require your services. But first things first, how was your trip?

Private Eye: It was simply marvelous. We were treated like celebrities. "The Baby" being a bit of a connoisseur said that the champagne we were served in the limo was top notch. We did get into a bit of trouble on the way there when "The Baby" lifted his blindfold and tried to peek at the exact location of the "Squirrel Sanctuary" which, of course, is secret. When we arrived I was able to assist the Sanctuary staff in the daily squirrel feeding of peanuts. This was very exciting! I then had to go back inside and observe the squirrels in their natural habitat from some very excellent windows. There were many sightings. "The Baby" carefully monitored me for hyperventilation, but I made it through. It was like being in "squirrel heaven". I bought myself a squirrel nutcracker from the gift shop as a souvenir. The BBQ steak bone I was given for the trip back was also most excellent. All in all, I would definitely recommend this trip to all canines out there.

Cloon: Well now that all the pleasantries are out of the way, let's get down to business, shall we? I'm sending my driver for you. My Secret Laboratory Findings on Num-Nums have been stolen from the vault at Headquarters. I need you to secure the perimeter and do some sniffing around. Come prepared for long days and nights of investigation. Theese one is a serious matter. With your nose, I expect the culprit to be found.

Private Eye: At your service Cloon. I'll get to the bottom of this...

PRIVATE EYE GATHERS HIS EQUIPMENT AND ANY DISGUISES HE MAY NEED AND AWAITS PICK-UP...

...MEANWHILE BACK AT VON ICE ENTERPRISES...PRIVATE EYE & "THE BABY" WIN RADIO CONTEST TO VISIT SQUIRREL SANCTUARY IN NORTHERN ALBERTA...

It's a typical early morning at Von Ice Enterprises, Private Eye reviews his schedule which includes Elvis Impersonation Rehearsals and a possible glimpse of backyard wildlife here and there...when suddenly a radio announcement on WOOF-FM catches Private Eye's attention:

Hello Canines...I've got a live one for ya... Dreaming of the time again when squirrels will frequent your backyard? Don't wait till Spring...Call in now for the chance to win "two free tickets to Squirrel Sanctuary"...That's right Canines...You heard me correctly...Be the 500th caller in this morning, when the lines open, and win a free trip for two to the secret Squirrel Sanctuary located in Northern Alberta. Trip includes private limo service with champagne and an open sunroof for wildlife viewing along the way. Of course, you and your lucky guest will be blindfolded once we reach the vicinity of Squirrel Sanctuary as its location is secret. Once there, you will be treated to an unobstructed view of squirrels in their natural habitat and will be able to tour a museum of squirrel paraphernalia. There will be a steak BBQ where you will be presented with a good steak bone for your limo ride back home. Do not delay any further, Canines. Lines are now open...

Private Eye heads for the telephone and starts dialing...After busy signals and hitting redial for 1 hour...a voice comes on the line:

"Well a big congratulations to you, you are our 500th caller! And what is your name?"

Private Eye starts to hyperventilate with excitement. ("The Baby" brings him a paper bag to breathe into before he begins to see stars.) He collects himself just in time to respond to the radio announcer:

"I'm Private Eye Malhaven Von Ice."

Radio Announcer: Well, you're one lucky Canine! We'll be sending the limo around for you shortly. This trip is one of those last minute dealies, so be waiting curbside with your guest and the driver will be there within the hour. Remember to pack lightly, bring a camera and stay on the line to give us your exact location for pick-up.

PRIVATE EYE AND "THE BABY" PACK UP THEIR BELONGINGS, GO OUT TO THE CURB AND ARE WHISKED AWAY BY PRIVATE LIMO TO THE SECRET "SQUIRREL SANCTUARY"... AFTER THEY PULL AWAY FROM VON ICE ENTERPRISES, A FRANTIC CALL FROM CLOON COMES IN...BUT ALAS, IT IS TOO LATE. PRIVATE EYE HAS ALREADY LEFT THE CITY.

...THE SAGA CONTINUES...