June 13, 2010

Cloon: Joining me today via skype is Pierre Du Port and a special guest. Hello there Pierre. Now tell the Audience who the special guest is at Headquarters today...
Pierre: Bonjour Cloon! Our special guest is none other than "SpyCat" from across the way...
Cloon: Excellent, most excellent. Hello there SpyCat, welcome! Now do you go by any particular name other than "SpyCat" which we have named you at Headquarters?
SpyCat: Well yes, I most certainly do as a matter of fact. My official name is "Sandy".
Cloon: Theese one has a nice ring to it..."Sandy the SpyCat". Now let's refresh the memories of the Audience, shall we? SpyCat was caught on video surveillance spying on the Headquarters of Clooney Credit Canada some time ago, then she infiltrated security, got into my vault and stole my Num-Nums Report. Then Private Eye disguised as a "Girl Guide" with special CSI technology was able to track her down and retrieve the report. Does that sound about right?
SpyCat: Yes, that is a good synopsis. However you left out the part that you had too few phone lines open to handle the flood of calls for the Num-Nums Taste Test Challenge and this is where all the trouble started in the first place...
Cloon: Uh, sorry about that! Now, how did the free month of num-nums go for ya?
SpyCat: Very excellent.
Cloon: And how about the tour of Headquarters today? I see from the photographs that you did a very thorough exploration of the "grounds" and took it in from all angles. Was this satisfactory?
SpyCat: The tour of the Assembly Line of the Clooneymobile was very informative and the Assembly Line Elves were very charming. They stopped production and had a num-nums break with me. They even allowed me to test drive a Clooneymobile prototype within the little factory.
Cloon: Were you pleased with what you saw and do you prefer a squirrel motif or bird motif interior?
SpyCat: The Clooneymobile is outstanding! It packs a lot of punch! And of course, I prefer the bird motif interior.
Cloon: Excellent. Now, tell us all... You look very similar to "Girlfriend". Did you ever have any plastic surgery done?
SpyCat: I thought it would be easier to infiltrate Headquarters if I did look very similar to your past Secretary so I saw this ad on the interwebs and flew to Cabo for an all-inclusive week of tequila, tacos and plastic surgery...
Cloon: Was a dog toy who goes by the name of "The Baby" involved?
SpyCat: Most definitely. He met me on the tarmac with a mini margarita and escorted me to the resort.
Cloon: And all went well?
SpyCat: Yes, very well. We did some macarena, a little suntanning, and most importantly... he counselled me about the psychological implications of plastic surgery and looking quite similar to your neighbour across the way.
Cloon: Well there you have it folks! A thanks to Sandy the SpyCat, our guest today, who will be given a VIP Pass for future events at Headquarters. And remember felines, do not try theese at home...plastic surgery is a very serious matter...at least seek out the experts in Cabo...

June 8, 2010


Cloon: Hello there Audience. I have a surprise in store for you all. With me today, is special guest "Princess" from Squirrel Sanctuary. Welcome little one.

Princess: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Cloon: Is that a wee bit of an Elvis accent I detect?

Princess: Well, yes it is in fact...

Cloon: How is that possible?

Princess: Well, I sent away for these "Elvis Voice-Coaching Lessons" I saw on the interwebs.

Cloon: Was someone called "The Baby" involved?

Princess: You know "The Baby"?

Cloon: Well yes I do as a matter of fact, we run in the same circles...

Princess: Do you think you could get me his autograph?

Cloon: I think that could be arranged little one. Now for the business at hand today...I'm going to proceed with a few questions for you and then I'm going to open the phone lines to the general public to call in. So, are you really "squirrely" for peanuts and have you ever tried num-nums?

Princess: Ha ha, good one! You're a funny guy Cloon. No to num-nums as I'm a vegetarian and yes, I do love my peanuts.

Cloon: Does the whole squirrel race really enjoy driving canines "squirrely"?

Princess: We do indeed Cloon, we do indeed...

Cloon: Excellent, most excellent. Do you have any other hobbies you are interested in?

Princess: I enjoy modeling and posing in miniature bridal apparel.

Cloon: Sounds good. Now I'm opening the phone lines... and we have our first caller on the line...Go ahead caller with your questions for our squirrel guest...

Caller (in a high-pitched voice): Hello there, little squirrel. I'm wondering if you'd be interested in buying some "Girl Guide" cookies from me in order to support my local Girl Guide group?

Princess: Yes, I love "Girl Guide" cookies. I'll take a box of vanilla please. Any other questions for me?

Caller: Uh yes. How soon can we meet up and can you come alone?

Princess: Oh dear. I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with this situation...

Caller: (starts to hyperventilate)

Cloon: Mr. L is this you on the line?

Caller: I know...you had me at hyperventilation...Ok, I give up. You can't blame a squirrel-crazy canine for trying can you? Tis the season and all...

Cloon: How are those visas going for my "Australian Zoo in Canada"?

Mr. L: We have hit a bit of a roadblock, I'm afraid...I've got "The Baby" trying to bribe some higher-up Immigration officials.

Cloon: Well keep me posted, will ya? Theese is a most important matter...

Mr. L: Roger that.

Cloon: Thank you to our special little guest today, one of our residents of Squirrel Sanctuary. Anyone interested in booking a tour of the Sanctuary and touring the Squirrel Museum is asked to call 1-800-IAM-NUTS...

June 5, 2010


Cloon: Happy Birthday "TIM"!!!


Cloon: "TIM" has mouthed a "silent meow". You don't look a day over "29" my friend!!!

TIM: No more third eye healing for you, my "friend".

Cloon: I'm just messin' with ya man! You look really good for your age, what's your secret?

TIM: I apply a "num-nums" facial mask weekly and get plenty of "beauty sleep".

Cloon: Excellent. Now, is it true that you threw yourself your own birthday bash?

TIM: Well, there's a shortage of pink noses in the "Society", so a guy's gotta do, what a guy's gotta do...

Cloon: Well, good on ya. But, if you would bend the rules a little with the "nose color" I could be the "Treasurer" and give you some help with the "Society".

TIM: Negatory. Pink noses only.

Cloon: You can't blame a guy for trying...Now what do you have planned for your birthday festivities?

TIM: "The Baby" and Mr. L are putting on a private Elvis concert for me and I'm hoping for an extra serving of num-nums from my Human.

Cloon: Sounds good. Well, "Happy Birthday to you ...and many more"...

(Cloon has the "jazz hands" going...)

June 1, 2010


Cloon: Hello there Audience. Joining me in-studio is Pierre Du Port. Pierre has returned from his Australian trip and has just finished competing in the World's First Poutine-Eating Championship in Toronto. Welcome back Pierre!

Pierre: Bonjour et merci!

Cloon: So, tell us little buddy, how did the poutine-eating contest go?

Pierre: Formidable!

Cloon: That's excellent, most excellent! How did you place?

Pierre: Well, I took the amateur category, just as you predicted Cloon.

Cloon: Tell us more...how much poutine did you manage to eat in the allotted time of 10 minutes?

Pierre: I consumed 6 pounds of poutine!

Cloon: Now, theese is most excellent for a dog toy your size!

Pierre: C'est vrai. The organizers of the event were kinda worried about me being so small so I was required to sign a waiver about the potential adverse effects of consuming so many calories in only a few minutes.

Cloon: How did you feel afterwards?

Pierre: Like a million bucks, given the fact that I was without poutine for the 2 months I was "Down Under".

Cloon: Well Congratulations Pierre! Do you have anything else to say in closing?

Pierre: Oui, oui. I'm very pleased that poutine-eating has now become an international sport!

Cloon: Well give the little guy a round of applause Audience and anyone who donates to the Num-Num Fund in the next 48 hours will receive a free e-book authored by Pierre Du Port entitled, "Eat Poutine Like An Amateur"...