February 28, 2009



Cloon: We are honored by your presence Sri Guru T.I.M.


Cloon: Audience, the holy one has mouthed a "silent" meow.

(The studio is abuzz with astonishment.)

Cloon: Order, order in the court! (Cloon pounds his little paw to restore order.) I understand that it is very rare for you to give a public appearance and interview, to what do we owe this pleasure?

T.I.M: Num-nums. I was promised num-nums. It's in the contract...

Cloon: Ahh, that explains it. Now, let's get down to business. I hear you heal with your "third eye". Can you tell me how you discovered this secret power?

T.I.M: One day I eavesdropped on my Human and heard that he was planning to take me to the Vet because I was squinting with one of my eyes. So, I used my "third eye" to heal my eye and put a monkey wrench into the Vet visit.

(Audience is oohing and ahhing...)

Cloon: Silence! Wow, that's an incredible story! Now, can you do other things with this "third eye" like make num-nums materialize out of thin air?

T.I.M: If I could do that, I wouldn't be here talkin' to you, would I?

Cloon: Point well taken. Give me some more info on this "third eye".

T.I.M: Well, I use my "third eye" to send healing energy to Humans and critters. It works on physical, emotional, and spiritual levels.

Cloon: Send me some "third eye" action for the "irregularity", will ya?

T.I.M: Throw me some crunchies (aka kibbles) and we'll talk.

Cloon: You drive a hard bargain. So, Guru T.I.M. how did you get to be so enlightened?

T.I.M: The interwebs, specifically wikipedia.

Cloon: And how did you learn the art of eavesdropping, which you mentioned earlier?

T.I.M: I took an intensive weekend seminar on "Eavesdropping on your Human" by a feline known as "Girlfriend".

Cloon: Audience, the lights are dim, there is silence, we are going to close our eyes, repeat a mantra and Sri Guru T.I.M. will send each of us some "third eye" energy. Are you all ready? Ok, repeat after me. OM, T.I.M., OM, T.I.M., OM, T.I.M...

Cloon: Audience, open your eyes, Sri Guru T.I.M. has disappeared off stage.
Wait a minute, what the...
Sri Guru T.I.M. is in the kitchen eating all my num-nums... That's not in the contract...

DONATE TO THE NUM-NUM FUND AND REPLACE THE INVENTORY THE HOLY ONE HAS EATEN... AND CLOON WILL SEND YOU SOME "THIRD EYE" ENERGY (it can't be that hard to figure out, I study the interwebs as well...)

February 27, 2009


I really outdid myself theese time! I was able to get KFC delivered to my cat tunnel. How, you may ask? Felines, gather around and listen to my clever story. First of all, let me ask, how many of your Humans happen to be a Virgo Astrology sign? If they are, theese works better. As we know, Virgos notice the smallest of details and are worry warts. My human is a Virgo and she is very analytical as well, hence performing statistical reviews on the litterbox, charting it, graphing it, applying algorithms, you get the picture...Nothing gets past her. So, you see, I gets myself a little "irregular" ya know what I mean? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more...Ok, felines listen close. This "irregularity" seems to get you more tummy rubs and tummy massage, a second helping of num-nums per day, and ultimately... KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN!! You heard me right, felines. Isn't that fabulous! And I know we all likes our KFC...

Donate to the num-num fund in the next 24 hrs and I will give you the Colonel's top secret recipe of 11 Herbs & Spices. (I've been working day and night in my research laboratory and also testing recipes in my easy-bake oven. I do believe I have finally cracked the code for the secret ingredients...)

February 26, 2009



Are you a fan of jam? I most definitely am. You see, I have a private jam collection at Headquarters. This is no ordinary jam though. Theese ones are miniature jars of jam (see photo). This particular brand features raspberry, apricot, strawberry, orange, black cherry and red cherry. My favorite happens to be raspberry which is currently in my possession. I have a dream and a plan to collect each one in the series. Especially valuable to me is the red cherry. Because theese ones are referred to as "elegant" jams, they are more tricky to find. Sunday brunch at fancy restaurants seems to be the best place to strike the mother lode. There is a particular skillset involved in "acquiring" these little jars of jam.

If you donate to the num-num fund in the next 48 hrs, I will give you a membership to my secret society of jam collectors.

In the meantime, some "teasers" are:

1) I wear a trench coat to brunch.

2) I try to frequent establishments that do not have "jam detectors" on the premises.

Farewell for today. I must stake out my territory on the couch for Thursday TV night. Cloon's picks for the evening are Grey's Anatomy and Survivor. "THE FELINE HAS SPOKEN"...

February 25, 2009

JUST IN FROM VON ICE ENTERPRISES... MR. L receives FedEx'd Ham Bone!
We are very pleased here at Clooney Credit Canada that the package has made its way to Mr. L and has been accepted in the spirit of friendship and hunger of course. I look forward to future collaborations with Mr. L now that this has been put behind us. It is very important that we spoil him at this time, given the heartbreak he has recently experienced with "The Baby" going on the run and leaving him. We will monitor his attachment to "The Ham Bone" and may have to have a Pet Psychology Session or Intervention with him if need be.

I will be selling tickets this week for a special event at Von Ice Enterprises. We will be watching Mr. L watch squirrels. That's right folks, you heard me right. A special few of you will be able to observe Mr L in his natural habitat and become the audience he so desperately needs. A squirrel sighting is a very exciting phenomenon. Squirrel watching is the new whale watching (trust me on theese one). There is limited space available so act quickly rather than face disappointment. I will be ushering ticket holders in (I'm available for autographs as well), seating them in front of the backyard window and serving them popcorn. Mr L and I will communicate by walkie-talkie and I will give appropriate updates to the audience by megaphone. People, don't let groundhogs get all the attention, spread some of it around to little squirrels as well. Also, come out and support Mr. L in his time of need. Let's keep his mind off "The Baby". You may also catch a glimpse of "The Ham Bone" in person.

Donate to the num-num fund within the next 3 days and receive 10% off the ticket price for"Watching Mr. L Watch Squirrels". Normally a $20 value.

Added bonus: a mystery guest will perform the "moonwalk" at intermission.

February 24, 2009


I'm in my cat suit today and just to warn you all, I flash for beads! So, how many in the Audience have been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans? Let's have a show of beads. One I see, oh, it's my Human. That's OK, you can all have a vicarious journey through me. Let's get started with Mardi Gras 101, shall we.

See the beads around my neck, I received theese ones by yelling, "Throw me something Mister!" Those on the Mardi Gras parade floats then threw them in my direction. Of course, being George Clooney helps a little in that department. Felines and humans alike are quite territorial before the parade day. They camp out along the sidelines of the parade route with sleeping bags and little BBQ's a couple of days before the big event just to secure a good spot. I happened to be in a roped off V.I.F. (Very Important Feline) section and used the publicity to sell 10 year leases on my Clooneymobile (more on this at a later time). Let me tell you, those ones in The Big Easy know how to do it up real good for this Fat Tuesday. It's quite a wild affair. See future Mockumentaries from Von Ice Enterprises for details...


1) Go to Pat O'Brien's in the French Quarter and have the famous "Hurricane" (hint: it's made with 4oz of rum).

2) Tour a plantation home in the Louisiana countryside and have some authentic jambalaya (not as good as num-nums, though)

and I saved the best for last:

3) Visit Marie Laveau's House of Voodoo on Bourbon Street for a canine voodoo doll (you never know when theese one will come in handy...)


February 23, 2009

G'day Mate! It's the Sexiest Cat Alive from Down Under... Seriously, wasn't my main man Hugh Jackman simply fabulous as the host of the Oscars last night? I was involved in the choreography of his dance routines (he left out the moonwalk somehow?).
I hosted a private Oscar party last evening at Headquarters. After some Zen and some shuteye, I was slaving away in the kitchen with my little easy-bake oven, preparing the appies for the festivities. If you donate to the num-num fund, I'll post a pic of my easy-bake oven. After the snacks, my Secretary and I performed a tandem review of the Oscars. Here's the skinny:
-Goldie Hawn (although Mr. L did get some good Mockumentary footage)
-Kate Winslet (we like our Kate, she's very cute, just like Girlfriend)
-Slumdog Millionaire
(Cloon is in pre-production with "Slumcat Billionaire" which will storm the Oscars next year and even the playing field.)
Well folks, in closing, didn't our "Edward" look just scrumptious in a tux?
Join me tomorrow for MARDI GRAS MADNESS. I gotta run to perform a statistical analysis on "The Bachelor: The Women Tell All"...

February 22, 2009

(Cloon is indisposed, see photo)

Hello my furry friends, it's been one heck of a week here on the blog. After yesterday's breaking story with "The Baby", I am taking a much needed repose. I am currently having an in-depth Zen session with Ms. Tortorovsky (again see photo). Thank you to all my followers (officially only Mr. L-but I have to start somewhere) this week. I promise you all a whirlwind of clever interviews and tutorials this upcoming week so please tune in. Remember, we have an open
"cat call" for The Bachelor and are accepting photos and profiles of female felines fitting the aforementioned criteria. Once some Zen has been restored, I will be hosting a private Oscar party this evening. Join me tomorrow for my review of the festivities and my commentary on the awards given out at the 2009 Oscars. Of course, the donation line for num-nums is still open...

February 21, 2009



Joining me via Skype is an informant friend of mine from the good ol' days. He has just broken this shocking story about "The Baby" on a bender in Mexico.

Cloon: Tell me more. This is just too juicy.

Mr. X: Well Cloon, as you see from the Paparazzi photo, "The Baby" is going for it. He is painting the town orange.

Cloon: Poor Mr. L, he'll be needing an emergency Pet Psychology Session now for sure.

Mr. X: How is he taking the news?

Cloon: He's beside himself. He hasn't ever been separated from "The Baby" before. Not to mention, the reputation of Von Ice Enterprises is at stake as well.

Mr. X: All I can say is here I am at the Cabo Wabo Cantina having a few and suddenly "The Baby" takes the stage for karaoke, singing "One more tequila they were falling in love, one more is never enough"...

Cloon: Good choice of song. I couldn't have done it better myself.

Mr. X: Exactly. He's pulling out all the stops.

Cloon: Does there seem to be an end in sight?

Mr. X: Not at all. Rumor has it, he's just getting started and this may turn into a lifestyle.

Cloon: Shocking, really.

Mr. X: Wait a minute. Here comes "The Baby". He is strutting over in my direction.

Cloon: I want the exclusive interview.

Mr. X: I'll see what I can do, he's a bit temperamental. "Hey 'Baby', Cloon wants a word with you." Ok, Cloon go ahead, I'm handing him the headset.

Cloon: "Baby" what do you have to say for yourself?

"The Baby": Well, try spending your life in a dog's mouth... That's what I'm talkin about...
Cloon: What should I tell Mr. L?

"The Baby": Tell him that absence makes the heart grow fonder and that when I do return, I will have excellent footage for his Mockumentary Filmmaking business. Picture this: DOG TOYS GONE WILD!

Cloon: Now you're talkin...

Mr. X: Adios Amigo, "The Baby" and I are off to do the Macarena...

Cloon: Hey Macarena! Ay! (Audience, Clooney has major paw action going on!)

February 20, 2009



Good afternoon Everyone! T.G.I.F. & T.G.I.F. (if you know what I mean)! Today at Headquarters I have a special guest whose identity must be protected. See photograph.

Cloon: Is it alright if I address you by one of your less known names?

Guest: If you must.

Cloon: Welcome Ms. Tortorovsky.

Ms. Tortorovsky: Thank you very much for having me.

Cloon: That's quite an unusual name you have. What nationality is it?

Ms. "T": I'll give you a hint... does the name Rasputin mean anything to you?

Cloon: Is that one of those WWF WrestleMania guys?

Ms. "T": No. Clearly not. What about this hint..."Oh, those Russians!"

Cloon: Well you didn't have to make it that easy.

Ms "T": Clearly I did.

Cloon: How did you end up with a Russian name?

Ms "T": It's my Human, she's got a quirky sense of humor and a good imagination.

Cloon: How come I didn't get a Russian name instead of things like "The Bomb" and "Punks"?

Ms. "T": Why don't you take it up later, you're wasting my valuable time here.

Cloon: So are you a secret agent feline?

Ms. "T": No, not exactly.

Cloon: Do you carry a miniature weapon or tiny sunglasses you communicate through?

Ms. "T": No. I'm all about peace, harmony, love and Zen.

Cloon: Ahh, Zen. That is the topic for today, isn't it?

Ms. "T": Correct. I come from a secret lineage of Feline Zen Masters and my mission is to make this world more zen.

Cloon: I hear you hold silent retreats.

Ms. "T": That's right Cloon, there's no chirping aloud.

Cloon: Now, you also allow others to be in your presence to soak up some Zen if you will, or allow some of your calm to rub off on them. What happens if there is noise or some sort of disturbance around you?

Ms "T": I hide under the bedspread.

Cloon: Fair enough.


Cloon: Is there anything you'd like to say in closing?

Ms "T": George Clooney ain't that bad of a name!

February 19, 2009

Hello, hello, hello everyone! How many Twilight fans are out there in the audience? Let's have a show of fangs. Good good, a few I see. Now, are you "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob"? If you happen to be "Team Jacob" perhaps you should skip over to another blog because we are all about Edward here at Clooney Credit Canada. Yep, my main man Edward Cullen is my hero. Of all the vampires in history, he is definitely the coolest. My Human is also a fan of Edward and, rumor has it, my "favorite little person" at Von Ice Enterprises has a crush on him as well. Are you ready folks? Drumroll please..

10) We both have fangs (see picture above).

9) We both can jump quite high.

8) We both like trees.

7) We're both articulate and well spoken.

6) We both can play the piano (ok I'm lying about theese one).

5) We both mesmerize the ladies with our "liquid topaz" eyes.

4) We both watch humans while they sleep.

3) We both sparkle in the sunlight.

2) We both are on a "special diet" (for me it's num-nums).


1) We both drive only the best sports cars (for me it's the Clooneymobile).

In closing, Twilight fans and Audience members, may I just say "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I'VE WAITED FOR YOU(R DONATIONS)"...

February 18, 2009



Today I have a very special surprise for y'all. I have in-studio with me, "Stan" who happens to be a "Miniature Sheep". Now, he's on a whirlwind publicity tour so we only have a few minutes of his time. Let's get started.

Cloon: Welcome Stan!

Stan: Hola!

Cloon: Are you going to get all Spanish on me, dude? (Audience, Clooney is scrambling for his Mini Pocket Spanish Dictionary).

Stan: Donde esta el bano?

Cloon: That will be a toon please for using the premises. But, buddy can't you hold it for now, we're just getting started.

Stan: Si, pero yo quiero una cerveza.

Cloon: Oy, yoy, yoy! (as my Ukrainian Grandmother would say) I didn't realize these little sheeps were so high maintenance. Ok. A Kilkenny or a Corona?

Stan: Corona con limon. Gracias.

Cloon: Would you like some chicken wings with that?

Stan: I'm a vegetarian actually.

Cloon: What the... You speak English?

Stan: Yep, I was messing with you. I came here today to teach you about the Andean concept of "reciprocity". It means you don't give without receiving something in return and you don't receive without giving something in return.

Cloon: Kind of like, what comes around, goes around...

Stan: Exactly, muchacho. See in your interview the other day with Mr. L you did a little bit of teasing with him, so I'm your karma (in the form of a small sheep of course).

Cloon: I stand humbled. Now, let's get on with it... Are you from the Andes?

Stan: Yes, I am from South America, more specifically Peru.

Cloon: Do they have Num-Nums in Peru?

Stan: No they don't Cloon.

Cloon: That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Stan: Well, I'm not into num-nums. I only eat leaves.

Cloon: Isn't that boring?

Stan: Not if I wash them down with a little cerveza.

Cloon: Is "Stan" a Spanish name?

Stan: Does it sound Spanish to you?

Cloon: (Audience the beer is making Stan a little cocky) Ok. How did you end up with a name like Stan, shouldn't you be an Eduardo or Ricardo or something like that?

Stan: Well, I was discovered by two humans in a Canadian zoo and I was named Stan.

Cloon: So, you presently live in a zoo?

Stan: Correctamundo. I was hoping to be adopted by your Human and live at Clooney Credit Canada with y'all, but the zoo put a kaibosh on that.

Cloon: (handing out kleenex to the Audience) Well, little buddy we don't have leaves here so maybe it's all for the best...

Stan: But you do have cerveza.

Clooney: Si.

Donate to the num-num fund in the next 24 hrs. and have a special photo taken with Stan, "The World's Smallest Sheep". And bring him some leaves please...

Cloon: Well it was a pleasure speaking with you today. Take care of yourself in the harsh winter climate please. Maybe you should start drinking hot toddies instead of cerveza.

(Audience for being our guest here today, Stan will leave with a toque and blankie knitted by "Girlfriend")

Stan: Gracias, amigo. Donde esta el bano? (Stan staggers down the hall to find the "premises")

February 17, 2009


Good day Everyone! I just wanted to back up my blog claim of Sexiest Cat Alive by sharing my Magazine Cover with you. I'm the official "furry" double of my main man here. I regularly do shoots and stand-ins to top up the num-num fund. Sometimes I am subjected to silly hats and such, however, I am quite a good sport about it. It's all for the cause, you know. Now, for today's subject...

My Human requires that I watch the weekly episodes of "The Bachelor" with her. I conduct a statistical analysis of each episode, chart it, graph it, research the blogs and message boards and apply algorithms. It is quite a tedious process. I humor her, what can I say... There's a guy out there called Reality Steve that claims to know the outcome and is revealing clues each week. Personally, I think my system is more precise. If you donate to the num-num fund before the Final Rose Ceremony airs (March 2), I'll give you some "real" clues. So folks, who will Jason choose, Melissa or Molly? Any takers out there? What about the most shocking "After The Final Rose Ceremony" taping ever? Any ideas? Come on, throw me a bone (but let's leave Mr. L out of it this time)! Email me your thoughts on the matter, or leave a comment. Come on people, participaction. And what about me... Cloon for next Bachelor? Do I have your vote and show of support? I will be accepting photos and profiles of single, eligible female felines. Remember, I need an interesting mix of drama queens, crazies, wall-flowers, brainiacs, deep-thinkers, sensitive and shallow types, blonds and brunettes and all must be sexy. It's all about the ratings, you know. Oh and love of course. "FELINES, THIS IS THE FINAL ROSE OF THE EVENING... CLOON, WHEN YOU'RE READY..."

February 16, 2009


Happy Furry Family Day Everyone! Please show your furry ones a little extra love today.

Ok. Are you all ready to take notes here? This is one of my many seminars or tutorials I will be conducting from Headquarters. Theese one, of course, is of the utmost importance. In the photo, I have displayed my favorite type of Num-Nums. Num-Nums is soft food that smells good and is used to supplement the feline diet of dry crunchies. Sometimes it is given in the morning and at night or just once in the day as a treat. It can come pate style like this particular one or in chunks with gravy in it. Most felines get quite excited about their num-nums and wait in anticipation of the special feeding times. Some do silent meows (more on this at a later time). Some even get quite crazy. I'm one of those crazy ones. I run around like a madman in the wee hours of the morn at any hint of tossing and turning from my Human. I've been known to adjust pictures on the wall, knock any apparatus available off shelves or night tables, tug hair from the roots and, of course as a last resort, bite noses just to be given the special stuff. I always need to ensure I have a steady supply of num-nums so I take a regular inventory of the stock in the cupboard. (For a small fee, I can teach any interested felines out there my stock-taking method and system.) I do odd jobs for extra num-num money and I own the toilets at Headquarters so any human must deposit a loon or a toon to use the premises. All my businesses also fund the num-nums hence this blog. Any feline who can get their Human to contribute to my fund in the next 48 hrs will receive my stock-taking system for free (a $99 value).

Well folks, now that you are educated on the subject, Ka-Ching!


I've been alerted to some Clooney-Bashing going on, on squirrelpatrol. In order to protect my reputation and salvage this situation (we need Mr. L for future interviews), I have FedEx'd the ham bone to Von Ice Enterprises. I've also recorded a special edition of "Kumbaya" and sent that along as well. Let's hope for the best folks.

February 15, 2009



In keeping with the love theme, we have an important guest today. Without further ado...

Cloon: You have the distinction of being my first official interview here at the Headquarters of Clooney Credit Canada. Welcome Mr. L!

Mr. L: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Cloon: Wow, you sound exactly like Elvis, have you been practicing that?

Mr. L: I have indeed. I don't get out much so I was quite excited for this debut. There's so many new smells... When do I get that ham bone?

Cloon: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Focus.

Mr. L: Right.

Cloon: So, I see that you have brought your special "Friend" with you today. Can you give us a bit of the history and significance here?

Mr. L: Sure. This is "The Baby". We have been in a close relationship for about a year and a half. It was love at first sight. I found it in a field and we've been inseparable ever since.

Cloon: (dabbing fake tears) That's so touching. Now, I did have an anonymous call before you arrived, saying that you are quite possessive of "The Baby". Is this true?

Mr. L: No comment.

Cloon: (Audience, let's try a little experiment and test out that information.)
Gimme that Baby! Gimme that Baby!

(Audience, Mr. L. appears to have gone crazy, he's running in circles with "The Baby" in his mouth.)

Ok. Ok. I get the point. Now, is "The Baby" a good cuz or a bad cuz?

Mr. L: That's classified information.

Cloon: Can I draw a face on "The Baby"? Or at least put a hat on it?

Mr. L: Don't be ridiculous!

Cloon: You appear to be a specialized breed of canine. Are you a "Dalmation Dipped in Chocolate"?

Mr. L: (Sighs in disgust)

Cloon: Just joshing with you man! The Human made me do it! Seriously, you're one of those GSP's, aren't you?

Mr. L: Obey the GSP!

Cloon: Whatever. Now, you also run quite a clandestine operation known as Von Ice Enterprises. Can you tell me what goes on there?

Mr. L: (Stars in his eyes, starts hyperventilating, repeating the name "PAM".... is wheeled off the set.)

Cloon: I guess we'll have to save that ham bone for another occasion. Don't worry audience, we'll get to the bottom of this...

Biggest donation to the Num-Num Fund will have the priviledge of naming Mr. L's "Baby".

February 14, 2009


1) Let her be on top (ahem, see photo)

2) Leave her the last lick of num-nums

3) Allow her to obsessively groom you even when you are tired of girl germs

4) Take her on a tour of the otherwise secret research laboratory

5) Give her the best seat in the house to watch birdies

Some advice from renowned "Love Expert" known in close circles as "Girlfriend":

Seek first love and harmony, if it isn't found HIDE. Play hard to get, those that are worth it will be intrigued by your mysterious ways. Show your Human you care by putting a paw on them. Eavesdrop on conversations, you never know when the information will come in handy (Oops, that is a topic for another interview). Go for men with accents, they are easy on the ears. In closing, remember to lick your Valentine today!

OK Folks, donate now to the num-num fund and receive a special "Love Blessing" from "Girlfriend". Today only. Offer expires at Midnight.

Make sure to check my blog daily as we have some special interviews in-studio this week.

Happy Valentine's Day! (Don't eat too many roses, everything in moderation)

February 13, 2009

George Clooney-The Sexiest Cat Alive

Howdy Pardners! Live Long and Pawsper! Welcome to Day 1 of my Blog. Today was quite low-key at the Hacienda better known as Clooney Credit Canada. Them birdies was done frozed up today, up North here in Canada. So I took 'er easy, sleeping inside the donut most of the day. (If you donate to the num-num fund I'll post a pic of what I'm referring to as the donut). I did some wrestling later on with one of them there other felines; however, I'm conserving my energy for the early morning crazies. Well, I bid you a good evening Cowpokes, I'm off to roast some marshmallows with my miniature blowtorch. Don't try this at home. Happy Friday the 13th. She's almost gone.