December 31, 2009
WITH "JAMES BOMB" ALTER EGO
Well hello there Audience. We'z having a New Year's Eve/Blue Moon Soiree at Headquarters this evening. The Assembly Line Elves delivered custom-made sparkly invites to select Num-Num Fund supporters. It is a closed and very exclusive function.
Private Eye Von Ice will be "working the door" for us this evening and also "securing the perimeter". The Infamous DJ "T.I.M." will be spinning his proprietary tunes. "The Baby" will be tending the bar, making signature cocktails for our special guests. Pierre Du Port will be head wait staff in charge of the fancy h'or d'oeuvres, such as my renowned catnip brownies.
And I...I will "Circulate. Oozing intelligence".
Later, we will all gaze at the Blue Moon and write down our resolutions for the New Year. Before the stroke of midnite, "The Baby" will teach us all how to pronounce "20-10" correctly. Say it with me now folks..."20-10". And again, one more time..."Twenty-ten"...
Excellent excellent. Theese one has a nice ring to it.
See you in the New Year folks!
December 26, 2009
Cloon: Hello Audience, joining us via webcam is "Sri Guru T.I.M.". Welcome Holy One! Long time no see. Have you been on a mountain top somewhere?
Cloon: "Sri Guru T.I.M." has mouthed a "silent meow".
The Audience is abuzz with astonishment. Cloon pounds his little paw for "order in the court".
Cloon: Thanks for coming forth today with some very important and timely information for the public. Now, before we get into that, did you hit the stores for any Boxing Day specials?
T.I.M: I did indeed. I lined up at sunrise at my favorite pet store for some excellent deals on Num-Nums.
Cloon: Well done! Now on with the subject matter at hand. What exactly is "turkey tummy"?
T.I.M: "Turkey tummy" is when you eats too much turkey and your tummy feels real full.
Cloon: Yes, theese is certainly a common problem at this time of the year. What can be done about this condition?
T.I.M: That's where my top tips for "turkey tummy" come into play.
Cloon: Excellent, excellent. Share with us more, will ya?
T.I.M: Well basically, it's very simple. You stretch out somewhere (see above photo) and don't move.
Cloon: What excellent advice! "Sri Guru T.I.M." is a very wise one! Any other bones you can throw us?
T.I.M: Now listen very closely Audience, this is the most important part. Once you are in "position", you must use your third eye to send some healing energy to your tummy to helps the digestion process. Are you with me so far?
(The Audience is oohing and ahhing...)
Cloon: Silence! Can you be more specific about theese exact process?
T.I.M: I'm afraid not. It's a trade secret and I'm not able to divulge the specifics. However, for "today only" the public may call in to
1-800-TIM-GURU and receive the Boxing Day Special of 50% off my regular "Third Eye" energy healing rates. I also accept payment in Num-Nums.
Cloon: You heard the man! Thank you to Esteemed Feline "Sri Guru T.I.M." for sharing this most timely information with us.
The lines are now open...
December 25, 2009
Hello there felines! Ol' Clooney Claus is very tired (and full) from his extremely busy evening. With the help of my elves, I visited many feline households last night. My sleigh finally pulled in to "Squirrel Sanctuary" in the wee hours of the morn for some much-needed rest, relaxation, squirrel and birdwatching. My last household visit was Von Ice Enterprises. TIM was delivered his secret Clooney Claus wishes of unlimited Num-Nums for the following year, the 24 hour Hockey Central TV Station, and tickets to all this season's Oilers games including a VIP locker room pass. Mr. L received a truck-load of squirrels relocated to his backyard and his secret Clooney Claus wish of a dream date with Pamela Anderson. He will be whisked away by private jet to spend a day with his dream girl in Hollywood. "The Baby" received his secret Clooney Claus wish of a two week all-inclusive trip to a 5 star resort in Cabo San Lucas with unlimited tequila and foot massages. I want to thank all felines for the generous portions of Num-Nums that were left out for Clooney Claus last night. Back on the home front, Pierre Du Port was given the book "Cowboys For Dummies" for all his hard work at Headquarters and received his secret Clooney Claus wish of a walk-on role in a Cowboy and Western movie, to be filmed in the Australian Outback in the spring of 2010. And yours truly received hefty contributions to my Num-Nums fund. Theese one was a good one!
Well felines, have a good one! Remember not to eat tinsel or poinsettias. Of course, don't be shy to ask your Human for an extra portion of Num-Nums today...Ho, ho, ho!!!
December 24, 2009
Now gather around felines, this is Cloon with a little Christmas Eve message and story. This is a special evening as it marks the 3rd Anniversary of the passing of Doogie, my Human's first ever feline. Theese guy was quite something I'm told. It was before my time, but his story is legendary. Doogie was strong-willed, independent and full of soul. He survived a 10 story jump from an apartment window when he was only 8 months old. (Someone was pet sitting him at the time and my Human was not there.) He ended up losing one of his back legs in this incident, but that didn't slow him down. After a few weeks, he learned to walk again with his 3 legs and was still a force to be reckoned with. He had travelled all over the United States and Mexico with my Human and was her main man before I entered the picture. He loved Num-Nums and preferred the Fancy Feast Sliced Turkey Feast, so if he had been at my Num-Nums Taste Test Challenge he would have picked "B" on the ballot. (That's OK, I won't hold it against him - he was "old school".) Doogie loved plants (hence above photo op), bugs, birdies, exploring, looking out windows, gray babe mousies, and most of all he loved my Human. He is now one of my Human's "Guardian Angels" and likes to watch over things.
...Raise a mini glass of cheer to Doogie
and felines continue to be "good girls and boys" this evening as "CLOONEY CLAUS" comes down the chimney tonite. Actually, could you leave the front door unlocked for me, it's a lot easier...and instead of milk and cookies...you know what to do...it's all about the NUM-NUMS...
December 23, 2009
What follows is an interview with FQ (Felines' Quarterly) in attendance at the Pink Nose Society's Winter Carnival Fundraiser.
FQ: My you look quite dashing Cloon. Do you have your own fashion stylist?
Cloon: I certainly do. It's my Human.
FQ: Well, good on you. Now can you tell us a little about your "Pro Bono" Seminar.
Cloon: The title of my seminar is "The Importance of Capitalist Ventures in Feline Society".
FQ: That sounds very intriguing. Tell us more.
Cloon: Theese one contains very important information for the feline segment of society.
FQ: Are you able to be a little more specific?
Cloon: Yes of course. Basically, it is important for felines to be involved in capitalist ventures because we'z very intelligent and needs the intellectual stimulation and also because we'z very independent and likes to be our own bosses. Also, because Num-Nums are very important to us, we has to take it into our own paws, so to speak, and be financially self-sufficient. Therefore, we needs to be entrepreneurs involved in capitalist ventures.
FQ: Excellent insight on your part Cloon. Can you review for us, your experience in these areas?
Cloon: I has my Num-Num Fund and my Blog. I'm CEO of Clooney Credit Canada, an automotive business. I has an Ice Cream Truck and I has also inherited the Mobile Waxing Unit which happens to be part of the same vehicle. I has also inherited a bedazzling business where I "pimp suitcases". I partake in some Mockumentary Filmmaking with Mr. L at Von Ice Enterprises. I has my "Cement Shoes" business. Need I say more?
FQ: No. Stop right there. You're making the rest of us felines look bad. What exactly takes place in these seminars?
Cloon: Well, I evaluate the natural strengths and skills and interests of the felines in attendance through the use of very specialized surveys, then we do some "think tank" brainstorming, and then some role-playing, then I show PowerPoint presentations of my various capitalist ventures, and we generally end the sessions with the Macarena (theese one is a good group activity) and a pep rally.
FQ: Where do you usually present this seminar?
Cloon: Fundraising events like theese one and at feline shelters and humane organizations.
FQ: Thank you for enlightening us with this very important information Cloon. Do you have anything to say in closing?
Cloon: (starting to Samba)..."Come and find me, my name is Macarena...Always at the party con las chicas que son buena...Hey Macarena!...Ay!
December 21, 2009
Cloon: Well the festivities have finally wound down at the Winter Carnival Fundraiser. The last felines have left and the clean-up crew (the Assembly Line Elves on loan from yours truly) is hard at work. How much money were you able to raise today, TIM?
TIM: It was a most excellent day for fundraising and for the "Pink Nose Society". 200 felines were in attendance today for the Carnival. So, I raised a hefty sum of $9800.
Cloon: Wow, are you sure that the rules still exclude me from being the Treasurer?
TIM: Do you have a pink nose?
Cloon: No, it's gray actually.
TIM: Well then, you don't gets to be the Treasurer. But getting back to the matter at hand, "Girlfriend" would have been very proud of today's results and the high calibre of the event.
Cloon: That is for sure. You did her proud! Well congratulations! Now for a few words with Mr. L, today's guest musician... So, please tell the Audience about your special drum.
Mr. L: It's called a djembe and it's from Africa.
Cloon: How did you come to take an interest in theese African drum?
Mr. L: I'm studying to be a film critic in my spare time so I often rent independent films to watch. One such film was called "The Visitor". It is about someone who plays the djembe. I was very taken with both the storyline of the film and the drumming, so when I attended a fair trade Christmas craft fair and saw a djembe from Africa there, I immediately purchased it.
Cloon: Fascinating! Do you practice everyday?
Mr. L: I do indeed. And when I do, "The Baby" always dances around because he likes the drumming.
Cloon: Yes, and "The Baby" got the crowd going today, didn't he? Most of the felines, including myself, were dancing around. We all worked up a really good appetite for the weenie roast. Well, there you have it folks. Remember, you heard it here first...
ANYONE WISHING TO BOOK MR. L & HIS DJEMBE FOR EVENTS OR ANYONE IN NEED OF A FILM CRITIC "IN TRAINING" ARE ASKED TO CONTACT HIS BOOKING AGENT AT 1-800-THE-KING.
December 20, 2009
CLOON AND "THE BABY" EXIT STAGE LEFT DOING THE MOONWALK AND SINGING "YOU KNOW WE'RE B.A.A.D...WE'RE B.A.A.D...YOU KNOW IT"...
December 15, 2009
Hello this is a public service announcement from me TIM, the Secretary and President of the Pink Nose Society. I'z organizing a winter carnival at the venue of Von Ice Enterprises (cuz we has a big backyard for festivities) for the most prestigious club around...the one and only "Pink Nose Society". And I'z the one and only "pink nose" that is a member of this club. Therefore, it is very exclusive. I am currently recruiting volunteers to help me with this special event. (Please submit a curriculum vitae highlighting proper credentials and relevant skills and experience.) The Winter Carnival is being held in the memory of "Girlfriend" past President of the PNS. All proceeds will go to the Pink Nose Society Birdwatching Fund. (I hopes to take another birdwatching trip in the upcoming spring.) Now for the details of the Winter Carnival...listen closely felines. This event is taking place on the Winter Solstice of Monday, December 21, 2009. It will begin sharply at 10:47 AM the exact time of the solstice. Felines please ensure that you form an orderly queue half an hour before the Festival begins. Entrance fee to the event is $49.
The itinerary is as follows: 10:17 AM - Orderly queue forms
10:30 AM - Entrance to event and ice breaker games
10:45 AM - All felines are served a hot toddy to toast in the Solstice
10:47 AM - Winter Solstice 2009 Toast and Cheers
11:00 AM - Special Guest Musician
11:30 AM - Snow Angels, Snowman Building Contest, Birdwatching
12:00 PM - Live JumboTron presentation of the 5th Annual Cat Toy
12:30 PM - Weenie and Marshmallow Roast
1:00 PM - Pro Bono Seminar by Cloon
2:00 PM - Moonwalk lessons by TIM
2:30 PM - Backyard Sleigh Rides (courtesy of Mr. L)
3:00 PM - Picture with Santa (also courtesy of Mr. L)
3:30 PM - Snack (Cloon's famous catnip brownies)
3:45 PM - Elvis Voice Coaching Lessons (courtesy of "The Baby")
4:00 PM - Event Wrap-up and Evaluation Survey
Felines avoid disappointment...purchase tickets early... this will be a sell-out event.
Call 1-800-PNK-NOSE...Lines are now open...
December 14, 2009
The search party at Von Ice Enterprises has finally turned up one of the "Love Babies". Earlier today, Nanny Miss Stormy's house arrest officially came to an end and she resumed her regular "nannying" duties. Volunteers and members of "Concerned Friends of Cat Toys" have halted their search efforts due to time constraints and lack of success of locating the other two cat toys. One of the members of that organization was quoted as saying, "It's one of those great mysteries of life akin to the missing dryer sock." "Concerned Friends of Cat Toys" will be conducting random visits to Von Ice Enterprises to monitor Miss Stormy's "nannying" practices and to ensure the well-being of the remaining "Love Baby"- "Chip Off The Old Baby".
MEMBERS OF THE FELINE & CANINE PUBLIC ARE INVITED TO TAKE PART IN THE 5TH ANNUAL CAT TOY AWARENESS MARCH BEING HELD DECEMBER 21, 2009.
CALL 1-800-CAT-TOYS FOR FURTHER DETAILS...
December 11, 2009
December 8, 2009
No sooner did the limo drop Private Eye and "'The Baby" back at Von Ice Enterprises did another call come in from Cloon at Headquarters...
Cloon: Hello Private Eye. I urgently require your services. But first things first, how was your trip?
Private Eye: It was simply marvelous. We were treated like celebrities. "The Baby" being a bit of a connoisseur said that the champagne we were served in the limo was top notch. We did get into a bit of trouble on the way there when "The Baby" lifted his blindfold and tried to peek at the exact location of the "Squirrel Sanctuary" which, of course, is secret. When we arrived I was able to assist the Sanctuary staff in the daily squirrel feeding of peanuts. This was very exciting! I then had to go back inside and observe the squirrels in their natural habitat from some very excellent windows. There were many sightings. "The Baby" carefully monitored me for hyperventilation, but I made it through. It was like being in "squirrel heaven". I bought myself a squirrel nutcracker from the gift shop as a souvenir. The BBQ steak bone I was given for the trip back was also most excellent. All in all, I would definitely recommend this trip to all canines out there.
Cloon: Well now that all the pleasantries are out of the way, let's get down to business, shall we? I'm sending my driver for you. My Secret Laboratory Findings on Num-Nums have been stolen from the vault at Headquarters. I need you to secure the perimeter and do some sniffing around. Come prepared for long days and nights of investigation. Theese one is a serious matter. With your nose, I expect the culprit to be found.
Private Eye: At your service Cloon. I'll get to the bottom of this...
PRIVATE EYE GATHERS HIS EQUIPMENT AND ANY DISGUISES HE MAY NEED AND AWAITS PICK-UP...
December 2, 2009
Bonjour Mes Amis! I'm on location in Montreal on Ste-Catherine Street to catch a glimpse of my favorite football team as they make their way down the parade route. C'est formidable! I brought my favorite football book with me for Quarterback Anthony Calvillo to autograph. How about that win, eh? 28-27! I was very sad on Sunday night with my team behind, when all of a sudden...Cloon starts to samba and points to the TV screen. I could not believe it! I got up and started to stamp my feet and dance around. I took the red eye last night to Montreal to celebrate. After the parade and hopefully touching the Grey Cup, I will head out to my favorite poutine hot spot. After that...PARTAY!!
"I gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night...That tonight's gonna be a good good night... Let's paint the town ORANGE...We'll shut it down..."