LOYAL OILERS FAN "TIM" FILES COMPLAINT THAT THE TEAM HAS DEPRIVED HIM OF LOVE AND SUBMITS HIS RESUME FOR POSITION OF HEAD COACH
Cloon: I am reporting live on location from Von Ice Enterprises where resident feline "TIM" has made a shocking allegation that the Oilers Hockey Team has deprived him of love. "TIM" can you shed more light on this issue for the Audience?
"TIM": I have been a very loyal hockey fan for almost 10 years now. When I hear the hockey announcers on TV, I comes out of the woodwork, from the basement, the closet, you name it, it never fails and I heads to the couch for some lovin'. I depend on televised Oilers hockey games to get affection from my Human. When the Oilers don't make it to the playoffs, it deprives me of extra love, attention, and affection. The season is cut short and we are unable to spend that special quality time together in front of the television set watching hockey.
Cloon: That is very sad indeed. And I take it you are very upset with the early exit of the Oilers this season.
"TIM": Yes, that is correct. So much so, that I am taking the future of the Oilers team, their success and hence the extra love I would be able to receive into my own paws, so to speak.
Cloon: Enlighten us, will ya?
"TIM": I have submitted my resume for the position of Oilers Head Coach. And I must admit, I did some name dropping as well.
Cloon: Did you use my name?
"TIM": Exactly, I said I knows "George Clooney".
Cloon: Excellent and what special qualifications did you list on your resume?
"TIM": I stated that: I have very big paws to help the Oilers during practice, I have secret signals like the "silent meow" to help with hockey plays, I have a big physique and tough "fur" so I am not intimidated by the younger players who need guidance and discipline, and most importantly, since my very love and attention depends on their success, I have great morale, stamina, persistence and will stop at nothing to have them make the future playoffs.
Cloon: Well, if it was up to me, you'd be a shoo-in for the position. You could offer the players and management a special deal on the Clooneymobile as well.
"TIM": I knew I could count on you Cloon.
Cloon: Well, we at Clooney Credit Canada will be rooting for you "TIM".
Cloon: Audience, "TIM" has mouthed a silent meow.
**AUDIENCE, I AM CIRCULATING A SPECIAL "PET"-ITION OF SUPPORT THROUGH THE INTERWEBS FOR "TIM" AS NEW HEAD COACH OF THE OILERS. IF IT COMES YOUR WAY, PLEASE SIGN IT IN FAVOR OF "TIM" AND ALLOW HIM THE CHANCE FOR THE LOVE, ATTENTION, AND AFFECTION HE SO RIGHTLY DESERVES. AND THROW HIM A COUPLE KIBBLES WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, WILL YA?