GROUNDHOG DAY WITH "STAN THE WORLD'S SMALLEST SHEEP"

STAN SAGRADO, "WORLD'S SMALLEST SHEEP", REPORTS THE RESULTS OF GROUNDHOG DAY

Cloon: Hello there my friend. It's been a long while since we've spoken. How are ya little fella?

Stan: Muy bien, gracias!

Cloon: So I understand that you were in attendance at some Groundhog Day festivities. Can you share with the Audience what happened?

Stan: Claro que si. I attended the pancake breakfast this morning and awaited the weather prediction of "Balzac Billy" a local groundhog.

Cloon: The suspense is killing me! What did theese one have to say?

Stan: Well, "Balzac Billy", also known as the Prairie Prognosticator, emerged from his burrow and did not see his shadow. The crowd was overjoyed with this news as this means there will be an early spring.

Cloon: Excellent, excellent. How would you rate the pancakes?

Stan: No se. I only eat leaves.

Cloon: Right... washed down with a little cerveza...huh, little buddy.

Stan: Eso es correcto.

Cloon: Now, what about "Punxsutawney Phil" the famous American groundhog from Pennsylvania? What did he predict today?

Stan: Well, he did see his shadow this morning, thus forecasting 6 more weeks of winter.

Cloon: I guess it sucks to live out East doesn't it? I read on the interwebs that they feed "Punxsutawney Phil" dog food, so maybe the little guy's a bit confused...

Stan: Es posible.

Cloon: Did you ever see the movie "Groundhog Day", little buddy? Theese one is really funny...

Cloon: Did you ever see the movie "Groundhog Day", little buddy? Theese one is really funny...

Stan: (Puzzled look on his face...)

Cloon: Just messing with you man! Thank you for joining us today with all the insider information.

For a small donation to the Num-Num Fund, Stan is available, this evening, as a "practice buddy" for beginners Spanish. There are limited spots, so act quickly to avoid disappointment...

MR. L ("FILM CRITIC IN TRAINING") REVIEWS AVATAR

MR. L ("FILM CRITIC IN TRAINING") REVIEWS AVATAR

Cloon: Hello there Mr. L. Now before we get down to business with our most important movie review, tell us how your dream date with lady Pamela went?

Mr. L: Well first of all, I don't "lick and tell". But perhaps for one of those BBQ T-bones, I could divulge just a few details...

Cloon: That can be arranged. I tell you what, I'll throw you a bone and you throw us one back, will ya?

Mr. L: I like teamwork! I must say that my date was fantastic! My lady Pam is very lovely and she said that I was a very interesting conversationalist, I can thank "The Baby" for that. We checked out various hotspots like the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Rodeo Drive and Venice Beach. It was a lot of fun and I left with her autograph for "The Baby"...and a "deal" for a mockumentary film series I'm currently working on...

Cloon: Excellent, excellent. Now, let's discuss Avatar, shall we? I see you have some special glasses on and some blue hair, can you tell us more about theese ones?

Mr. L: Well, I have become an honorary member of the Na'vi tribe so I'm trying out some blue hair, in the form of a wig, to see if it suits me before I go ahead with a hair plug transplant.

Cloon: Is "The Baby" hooking you up for that?

Mr. L: Well yes indeed, he does know some people in Cabo...

Cloon: Are those x-ray lenses or can you communicate through them like a secret agent?

Mr. L: Unfortunately not, but they have special 3D powers and let me tell you...they're excellent!

Cloon: So what kind of rating on the "Tomatometer" do you give theese "Avatar"? Do you agree with the 82% rating?

Mr. L: No, I do not. I give Avatar a 99.9% rating. It was a spectacular piece of cinema. A masterpiece really!

Cloon: So why did you withhold the 0.1%?

Mr. L: Uh, there were no squirrels in the movie.

Cloon: I guess Pandora doesn't have squirrels. I wonder if it has Num-Nums? The film did have some pretty cool looking birds and insects though.

Mr. L: Affirmative.

Cloon: And Jake Sully is our hero, we're in the process of forming a "Jake Sully Fan Club".

Mr. L: That is correct, so far it's me, you, your Human, TIM and "The Baby" that are members.

Cloon: I've also been working on my avatar in my secret research laboratory.

Mr. L: Are you trying to replicate the Na'vi?

Cloon: No, it's a 10 feet tall gray cat that looks identical to me. Now that I see your wig, I may add some blue hair though, it does look cool. Is there anything you'd like to add about the film in closing, Mr. L?

Mr. L: Yes, I urge all canines, humans and felines to go see this revolutionary film "Avatar". It is excellent, most excellent.

Cloon: Take it from the film critic (in training) folks...

ANYONE WANTING TO JOIN THE "JAKE SULLY FAN CLUB" IS ASKED TO CONTACT CLOON AT HEADQUARTERS.

MR. L PREPARES FOR DREAM DATE WITH "PAM"

"The Baby": So, my boy how goes the preparations for your Christmas present from Clooney Claus...your dream date with Pamela Anderson?

Mr. L: I really am quite beside myself with excitement...(see above photo for evidence)

"The Baby": Let's get this all straight. A private jet is picking you up at sunrise tomorrow?

Mr. L: Affirmative.

"The Baby": Ok, let's go over a few things. Now, what do you do if you start to see stars and hyperventilate?

Mr. L: I breathe slowly into my paper bag...made of "recycled" materials of course.

"The Baby": Now, why is it important that the bag is "recycled"?

Mr. L: Because my Lady is concerned with the environment.

"The Baby": Exactly. Now, you share many things in common with Pam, such as eating the same type of diet.

Mr. L: Yes, that's right, we're both vegetarians. Except for the occasional BBQ steak bone, that is.

"The Baby": Leave the steak bone out of it.

Mr. L: Oh, yeah that's right...

"The Baby": And remember...go easy on the champagne, you need to have your wits about you for an intelligent conversation. Now, you have some "Conversation Cards" to take along with you. I've "stacked" the deck with the ones we've already practised the answers to. For example, "What's the first thing you notice in a person?"

Mr. L: Their "bosom".

"The Baby": No, no, no. Remember, it's their "inner beauty". #2: "What is your definition of success?"

Mr. L: An active squirrel sighting.

"The Baby": Uh, no. "Producing excellent mockumentaries". OK, last one: "Do you believe in Angels?"

Mr. L: Yes, I most certainly do, in fact I'm spending my day with one.

"The Baby": Excellent, you have one out of three. If all else fails remember to talk about animals and animal rights...Now don't forget to get me my autograph saying "To The Baby, You Rock! Love Pam".

Mr. L: Affirmative.

Mr. L heads off to bed early for some extra beauty sleep and to be in tip top shape for his "Dream Date"...

CLOON HIRES ASSISTANT "CODY" IN THE LAND DOWN UNDER TO SCOUT ANIMALS FOR HIS 'AUSTRALIA ZOO IN CANADA'

Cloon: Well hello there Audience. Happy Ukrainian New Year! (We likes theese one because it gives us procrastinators a couple of extra weeks to gets our resolutions together.) Joining me via skype today from Australia, for a little interview, is my new Assistant Miss Cody. Welcome aboard Miss Cody!

Cody: G'Day Mate!

Cloon: Now tell us a bit about yourself. What are your favorite hobbies?

Cody: I enjoy sunbaking, romantic walks along the beach, days at the spa, barbies, and catching a wave.

Cloon: Excellent, excellent. Sounds about right. Can you teach me to surf?

Cody: I generally avoid teaching "shark biscuits".

Cloon: Bugger. You say that like it's a bad thing.

Cody: You're quite the bloke, Cloon!

Cloon: Well perhaps, we can start with learning 'Strine, shall we?

Cody: Reckon!

Cloon: Now, tell us about the above photo op.

Cody: I was scouting out the region around Coffs Harbour when I came upon a mob of 'roos.

Cloon: This sounds promising. Did they sign the contract?

Cody: They said they don't eat "Num-Nums" and that quote, "It's friggin cold in Canada!'

Cloon: Bugger. I'll has to get back to the drawing board and come up with some better enticements.

Cody: No worries. And about those "squirrels" you're supposed to send over for backyard entertainment...

Cloon: Mr. L is on it. He's arranging for the visas as we speak.

Cody: Beaut!

Cloon: Well thanks a bunch for your time today and we look forward to more updates about the recruitment, in the future. Adios amiga!

Cody: Ta.

Cloon heads into his "Secret Laboratory" to brainstorm the "enticements".

HAPPY "20-10"!!!

WASN'T THAT A PARTY...

"Could've been the 'dirty martinis'

Might've been "The Baby's" tequila

Could've been the six or twelve mini mugs of ale

I don't know, but look at the mess I'm in

My head is like Pierre's football

I think I'm going to lie (here)

Tell me, me oh, me oh my

Wasn't that a party

Private Eye took a lampshade

Wore it like a hat

I saw someone under my kitchen table

Talkin' to "TIM" the Cat

They were talkin' about hockey

The Cat was talkin' back

Long about then every-thing went black

Wasn't that a party."

(Lyrics courtesy of my buddies The Irish Rovers and my Human, music courtesy of Mr. L and "The Baby")