LIVE PRESS CONFERENCE IN PROGRESS
AT HEADQUARTERS OF
CLOONEY CREDIT CANADA
Cloon: I'd like to thank the members of the Audience, the Press, the Professionals who have been of service on the picket line, and all the Assembly Line Elves for agreeing to be part of a public mediation process today at Headquarters. I shall turn the mike over to "The Negotiator" who will lead us in this process. And by the way everyone, I plead the Fifth...
"T.N": Yo, yo, Dawgs. I will present the findings of "Private Eye" Von Ice, the observations of the Babushka Cat Hot Dog Vendor and the grievances of the Assembly Line Elves. Then I will negotiate a resolution for all parties involved and swear in new contractual agreements.
First, some footage of the picket line filmed by Von Ice. I will do a play-by-play of the Mockumentary for the benefit of those concerned Audience members not present in-studio:
Von Ice has some standard shots of the perimeter of the strike. Now he is seen filming the Elves up close and personal. We hear some sniffing going on. There is some verbal protest from the Elves towards the "Private Eye". He then films some of the picket signs, which I cannot discuss as we have a family rating here. Then he goes over to the Hot Dog Cart and spends quite a bit of time filming himself licking his chops. The Babushka Cat is blowing him kisses, winking at him and so on and so forth... Then Von Ice does a panoramic view of the picket line and now is filming a window of an apartment high-rise... What the...It appears as though there is some "peeping tom" footage going on!... (The studio Audience gets loud and unruly... Cloon pounds his little paw for "Order in the court!")
"T.N": (Next, let's get the observations of the Babushka Cat) Ms. Babushka Cat, what can you tell us about what happened on the picket line?
B.C. I'z so happy be in Canadas. Cloon looked so, how you call it, "professionalz" in trench coats. Cloon very serious and busy, enterings informationz into, how you call it, PDA's devices. Cloon is very intelligentz! Elves very adorables! Elves loves my hot dogs. Elves buy lots of hot dogs. Elves go bathroom lots. Elves takes photo ops with my Babushka and cart. Me and Cloon makes lots of moneez. I'z takes profits and num-nums backs to Old Country. I'z in loves with "Dalmation Private Eye". I'z make, how you call it, googly eyes at him all day.
"T.N": (Now we will hear from the Assembly Line Elves) The spokeself is the one with the "familiar" face. So, Elf, what say you?
"T.N": The Elf has mouthed a "silent meow". (The studio Audience gasps in astonishment. Cloon pounds his little paw, once again, for order.) What are your demands in order to continue with the production of the Clooneymobile?
A.L.E: We demand that bird-watching, naps, and num-nums become official stations of the automotive manufacturing assembly line. We also demand that each elf get a case of num-nums for a Christmas bonus. Join me elves: We want num-nums, we want num-nums...
(Pandemonium breaks out in-studio as all the elves chant "num-nums" and wave their picket signs.) All of a sudden, "Private Eye" Von Ice takes the mike and starts his Elvis impersonation:
"WELL, IT'S ONE FOR THE MONEY
TWO FOR THE SHOW
THREE TO GET READY
NOW GO, CAT GO
BUT DON'T YOU
STEP ON MY BLUE SUEDE PAWS
WELL, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING
BUT LAY OFF OF MY BLUE SUEDE PAWS"
(The Elves break into cheers and the Babushka Cat faints)
A.L.E: We also demand that Von Ice performs Elvis songs at Headquarters each Friday during lunch hour.
"T.N": Von Ice, do you agree to this?
Von Ice: Affirmative.
"T.N": Cloon you have your list of demands, what say you?
Cloon: I pledge allegiance to num-nums and will sign a new contractual agreement based on the aforementioned demands. Fire up the assembly line, the Clooneymobile is once again in production!
**All Employees of Clooney Credit Canada have been fitted with Babushkas as part of their official uniform, courtesy of Cloon's cousin from Old Country.