AFTER THE FINAL ROSE...
RENOWNED LOVE EXPERT
ON THE MOST SHOCKING BACHELOR
Cloon: So, let's launch right into this, shall we? This season I was heavily involved in "The Bachelor". For those who have been following my blog, you know that I was performing a statistical analysis of each episode, charting it, graphing it, reading the message boards and applying algorithms. Now everything is complete as the last Ellen appearances concluded today. I have in-studio with me today, "Girlfriend" a feline famous in her circle for being a love expert. She is going to discuss with me this most surprising, juicy and shocking season of "The Bachelor". Of course, we at Headquarters were not surprised or shocked with the outcome because we study the interwebs. However, it was juicy.
Cloon: "Girlfriend" you look quite serious in your photo. What gives?
G: Well Cloon, I'm "concerned', love is serious business.
Cloon: So, what is your theory about how everything went down in this season of "The Bachelor"?
G: Well, I think we can compare everything to the situation of Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Melissa would equal Jennifer Aniston and Molly is Jason's "Angelina Jolie". My pet psychology analysis of it is that Jason first chose Melissa because he was going to go with safety and security, having been hurt in the past. However, he realized quite quickly that he requires challenge, and perhaps a little level of uncertainty. Someone to keep him on his paws, so to speak, and that happens to be Molly. So he changed his mind.
Cloon: Fascinating theory. You're quite a clever little thing aren't you?
G: Indeed, I am Cloon, indeed...
Cloon: Now, if you were in Molly's paws, would you be able to forgive the guy for not picking you the first time?
G: That depends on his "lickability" factor and the sound of his voice.
Cloon: Well said. Now, I happen to know that loyalty is also very important to you. Because we live together at Headquarters and you like to lick me, are you hurt that I'm about to become the next "Cat Bachelor"?
G: All I can say is that I'll be waiting in the wings for you, ready to groom you, if one of those fickle felines breaks your little heart Cloon.
Cloon: You're quite a stellar feline, "Girlfriend". Thanks for joining us today with your feline intuition and love expertise.
G: When do I get the tuna, you promised?
Cloon: Ha Ha "Girlfriend", you're such a kidder!
OPEN "CAT CALL" FOR THE "CAT BACHELOR". NOW ACCEPTING PICTURES AND PROFILES OF ELIGIBLE FEMALE FELINES TO MY EMAIL. REMEMBER, WE NEED A MIX OF DRAMA QUEENS AND SERIOUS TYPES. COME ON PEOPLE, PARTICIPACTION!