September 28, 2010

"SHAKE YA TAILFEATHER"... DUSTING BOOTCAMP BEGINS

Cloon: So how goes the "Office Management" component of the Bootcamp?

Neytiri: Well, the Cockatoo from Australia got top marks in the efficiency category for answering the busy switchboard. "Ducky" had the highest score for politeness. And Pierre Du Port took the "flair" category by storm. His French accent does quite a number on the lady callers.

Cloon: Sounds about right. Did each of them get the passing grade they needed to advance to the next module?

Neytiri: They all passed with flying colors! In fact, I even had "The Baby" call in with a prank phone call and they each handled it with perfect professionalism, even upselling him in the process.

Cloon: Excellent, most excellent. Did "The Baby" use my all time favorite of "Is your refrigerator running?"

Neytiri: Yes, he did! He said he learned it from you by attending your "Seminar on Prank Calls".

Cloon: That's a my boy, he maka me proud every time. What did the employees end up upselling him?

Neytiri: A pimped up suitcase! And I must say they were 4 Bootcamp components ahead of themselves!

Cloon: I thinks they take after me in the intelligence department. Theese is lookin' good! So, how did they do with the Dusting Bootcamp?

Neytiri: They enjoyed observing me with the feather duster. I must admit I have a bit of a fixation with it. I like to run around the house holding it in my mouth.

Cloon: How did you manage to keep them motivated with the process?

Neytiri: I played rap music loudly in the background.

Cloon: So, it's on to the next module of training: "scheduling daily num-num breaks for Headquarters employees". Speaking of which "I'm starving like Marvin girl"...

CLOON SAMBAS AROUND HEADQUARTERS SINGING: "OH, OH, OH...OH OH...

SHAKE YA TAIL FEATHER"...

September 17, 2010


SECRETARY OF CLOONEY CREDIT CANADA STARTS NEW EMPLOYEE BOOTCAMP

Cloon: Today is Day 1 of our new employee training program at Headquarters headed up by none other than Princess Neytiri. So can you give the Audience a taste of what our employee training entails?

Neytiri: I sure can Cloon. The name of our new employee training program is the "Clooney Credit Canada Employee Bootcamp".

Cloon: Theese sounds like serious business. What exactly goes on here?

Neytiri: It is a very strict and stringent certification program whereby our new employees at Headquarters will become experts in the fields of "Office Management", "Assembly Line Production", "Fundraising and PR", "Esthetics" and, last but by no means least, "Bedazzling".

Cloon: This sounds excellent, most excellent. So, I understand you got started today with the "Office Management" component. How did that go?

Neytiri: Well, I'm training my little protege "Ducky" (pictured above), Pierre Du Port, and the Cockatoo from Australia to receive faxes for Clooneymobiles.
Cloon: Is that why you're standing on top of the fax machine with the "little guy" in your mouth?
Neytiri: Exactly. We were dealing with a "hypothetical" scenario of receiving an order for the Clooneymobile.
Cloon: You're kinda busting my chops with the "hypothetical".
Neytiri: Uh, sorry about that. But I promise you that when I get to the next training component "Assembly Line Production" I'll increase efficiency with the Assembly Line Elves by 100%.
Cloon: Excellent! With the Elves taking less num-num breaks, that will then result in a Clooneymobile ready for the market and hence no more "hypothetical" orders. Now you appear to be playing favorites with your Office Management trainees. I see you have been taking naps with "Ducky".
Neytiri: Well, what can I say, we play hard and we nap hard.
Cloon: What's next on your training agenda?
Neytiri: Politely and efficiently answering the busy switchboard at Headquarters. The 3 trainees will be observing me and listening in on my calls tomorrow, then I will monitor them in action on the phone lines and grade them according to very strict criteria. When they are up to snuff, we will move on to the next module of "behind the scenes details" such as dusting, scheduling daily num-num breaks for Headquarters employees, and using the easy-bake oven.
Cloon: Sounds good to me. Oops, time for a num-num break...Stay tuned Audience for future Bootcamp updates.

September 10, 2010

CLOON TO BECOME OFFICIAL "POSTER CAT"
FOR THE WORD: "SERIOUSLY."

Hello there Audience. I'z gots some exciting news! I'z become the official poster cat for the word "Seriously." Now in response to this, you might be sayin' "Seriously"...and I say in return "Seriously." We could go back and forth with this intellectual banter but let's save that for another time, shall we? I'z not joshin you Audience. Theese really happened. But wait...there's more...How many Grey's Anatomy fans do we have out there in the Audience? Can I see a show of hands please? Excellent, most excellent. All hands and paws, of course, are raised in-studio. Theese is because we all likes our Grey's Anatomy. The McDreamy's, the McSteamy's etc. etc. The producers decided to get their ratings up for theese new season, so every time one of the actors says the word "Seriously." in any of theese new episodes, my picture above is going to flash in the corner of the tv screen. That's right folks, you heard it here first. It's amazing that theese has been kept under wraps so far given the excellent detective work of the feline reporters at the "Feline Enquirer". However the security on the set has increased this year with Private Eye Von Ice being hired as the Head of Security. (They promised him some "lingerie footage" in the on-call rooms this season.) So you know what this means folks? An excellent topping up of the Num-Num Fund, that's what. Each time my picture flashes in response to the word "Seriously." I gets a can of num-nums. Theese is going to be a most lucrative venture. In addition, I shall be doing various media appearances across North America to unveil my official poster "Seriously." Watch for my giant poster in Times Square where, rumor has it, Mr. L and "The Baby" will be performing a few Elvis songs. "Seriously."

September 7, 2010

MISS TROVSKY AND THE PINK NOSE SOCIETY

"GIRLFRIEND'S" LONG-LOST COUSIN ASSUMES PRESIDENCY OF THE PINK NOSE SOCIETY

Cloon: Hello there Audience, Happy September to you all. I'z got an important update from the
"Pink Nose Society". Joining me in-studio is the new President of the Society, Russian Entomologist Miss Trovsky. Welcome Miss Trovsky.

Miss T: ZzDRAST-vet-yah Cloon!

Cloon: Hello right back at ya. Now let me get all this straight...You'z the long-lost cousin of "Girlfriend" and in the wake of the untimely passing of TIM, you'z immigrated to Canada to take over the duties of the "Pink Nose Society".

Miss T: Correctamundo.

Cloon: I must admit I'z a bit jealous of your career...as an Entomologist you gets to study insects full-time... that's wicked cool. What's your favorite insect?

Miss T: The Animalia Arthropoda Insecta Lepidoptera.

Cloon: Enlighten us, will ya?

Miss T: The moth, Cloon, the moth is my favorite insect.

Cloon: Excellent choice. I'z rather fond of them myself. Now I understand that given your background, the focus of the Pink Nose Society may change from bird-watching trips to attending insect exhibits around the world.

Miss T: Exactamundo.

Cloon: I must say you have a great command of the English language. How did you learn to speak English so well in Russia?

Miss T: I watched "The Fonz" on Happy Days re-runs. I happen to have a crush on Fonzie, do you think you'd be able to introduce us?

Cloon: Coolamundo but I'z not really into match-making and we don't run in the same circles. By the way, do you happen to know my cousin "Cloonski Ogorki" from Old Country?

Miss T: We've crossed paths at the odd borscht-eating contest.

Cloon: Excellent, most excellent. He bears a most striking resemblance to me, wouldn't you say?

Miss T: Striking really. I'd actually swear it was you dressed in a Russian outfit.

Cloon: Funny. You have quite the imagination Miss Trovsky. Now that you're the new President of the Pink Nose Society and you may change the rules, I'z wondering if I could re-submit my resume for the position of "Treasurer"?

Miss T: Uh, you don't appear to have a pink nose. Now you might have fooled me if before our interview you had just dipped your face into a bowl of borscht...but I guess I'm the one with the good imagination after all...Besides the criteria to belong to the Society has now gotten even tougher...not only must you have a pink nose, but you must also have hairy paws. TIM made this addition to the criteria when he was Acting President.

Cloon: Well you can't blame a guy for trying and trying and trying, can ya?

FELINES DONATE TO THE PINK NOSE SOCIETY IN THE NEXT 48 HOURS AND RECEIVE MISS TROVSKY'S SECRET BORSCHT RECIPE...DO NOT DELAY
CALL 1-800-EAT-BUGS NOW.