January 19, 2010
"The Baby": So, my boy how goes the preparations for your Christmas present from Clooney Claus...your dream date with Pamela Anderson?
Mr. L: I really am quite beside myself with excitement...(see above photo for evidence)
"The Baby": Let's get this all straight. A private jet is picking you up at sunrise tomorrow?
Mr. L: Affirmative.
"The Baby": Ok, let's go over a few things. Now, what do you do if you start to see stars and hyperventilate?
Mr. L: I breathe slowly into my paper bag...made of "recycled" materials of course.
"The Baby": Now, why is it important that the bag is "recycled"?
Mr. L: Because my Lady is concerned with the environment.
"The Baby": Exactly. Now, you share many things in common with Pam, such as eating the same type of diet.
Mr. L: Yes, that's right, we're both vegetarians. Except for the occasional BBQ steak bone, that is.
"The Baby": Leave the steak bone out of it.
Mr. L: Oh, yeah that's right...
"The Baby": And remember...go easy on the champagne, you need to have your wits about you for an intelligent conversation. Now, you have some "Conversation Cards" to take along with you. I've "stacked" the deck with the ones we've already practised the answers to. For example, "What's the first thing you notice in a person?"
Mr. L: Their "bosom".
"The Baby": No, no, no. Remember, it's their "inner beauty". #2: "What is your definition of success?"
Mr. L: An active squirrel sighting.
"The Baby": Uh, no. "Producing excellent mockumentaries". OK, last one: "Do you believe in Angels?"
Mr. L: Yes, I most certainly do, in fact I'm spending my day with one.
"The Baby": Excellent, you have one out of three. If all else fails remember to talk about animals and animal rights...Now don't forget to get me my autograph saying "To The Baby, You Rock! Love Pam".
Mr. L: Affirmative.
Mr. L heads off to bed early for some extra beauty sleep and to be in tip top shape for his "Dream Date"...
January 14, 2010
Cloon: Well hello there Audience. Happy Ukrainian New Year! (We likes theese one because it gives us procrastinators a couple of extra weeks to gets our resolutions together.) Joining me via skype today from Australia, for a little interview, is my new Assistant Miss Cody. Welcome aboard Miss Cody!
Cody: G'Day Mate!
Cloon: Now tell us a bit about yourself. What are your favorite hobbies?
Cody: I enjoy sunbaking, romantic walks along the beach, days at the spa, barbies, and catching a wave.
Cloon: Excellent, excellent. Sounds about right. Can you teach me to surf?
Cody: I generally avoid teaching "shark biscuits".
Cloon: Bugger. You say that like it's a bad thing.
Cody: You're quite the bloke, Cloon!
Cloon: Well perhaps, we can start with learning 'Strine, shall we?
Cloon: Now, tell us about the above photo op.
Cody: I was scouting out the region around Coffs Harbour when I came upon a mob of 'roos.
Cloon: This sounds promising. Did they sign the contract?
Cody: They said they don't eat "Num-Nums" and that quote, "It's friggin cold in Canada!'
Cloon: Bugger. I'll has to get back to the drawing board and come up with some better enticements.
Cody: No worries. And about those "squirrels" you're supposed to send over for backyard entertainment...
Cloon: Mr. L is on it. He's arranging for the visas as we speak.
Cloon: Well thanks a bunch for your time today and we look forward to more updates about the recruitment, in the future. Adios amiga!
Cloon heads into his "Secret Laboratory" to brainstorm the "enticements".
January 6, 2010
"Could've been the 'dirty martinis'
Might've been "The Baby's" tequila
Could've been the six or twelve mini mugs of ale
I don't know, but look at the mess I'm in
My head is like Pierre's football
I think I'm going to lie (here)
Tell me, me oh, me oh my
Wasn't that a party
Private Eye took a lampshade
Wore it like a hat
I saw someone under my kitchen table
Talkin' to "TIM" the Cat
They were talkin' about hockey
The Cat was talkin' back
Long about then every-thing went black
Wasn't that a party."
(Lyrics courtesy of my buddies The Irish Rovers and my Human, music courtesy of Mr. L and "The Baby")